Why is it that certain people only have to open their mouths on certain subjects and the world sits up and listens.
I'm tried of hearing about Victoria Beckham's so-called commandments, in other words, tips, on fashion and style, as if she knows better than the rest of us.
And when her husband decides upon a (usually dreadful) new look, or marginally alters his old one, the same things happens. I know they are massively famous, probably the most photographed couple in the world, and all that, but come on. Tips like "visualise your overall look" and "dress from the inside out", are common sense.
Surely most people - with the exception of those slightly more voluptuous (to put it kindly) females who insist on wearing ski-pants - have their whole body in mind when they're dressing up for a night out and I can say with more or less 100 per cent certainty that most of us put our undies on first.
Next, we'll be treated to dressing-up advice from their kids.
Which led me to thinking how my own family could contribute to this whole "style rules" thing, with our own set of commandments - one that I think Mr and Mrs Average will relate to:
My own fashion tips
If it's not brown, black or dark green don't buy it
Never wear traditional blue denim jeans - in particular stonewashed - if you are larger than a size ten
If in doubt about an outfit, stick a cardigan on top (preferably large, baggy and, if possible, brown, black or dark green)
You can achieve a look equal to that of any Oscar nominee by careful browsing in charity shops
Never ask your husband or boyfriend for his opinion. Most men aren't interested, don't even glance up and would say you looked great if you wore a pair of cycling shorts and a bin bag.
My husband's fashion tips
Avoid clothes shops at all costs - horrible places. Leave the buying of all clothing to your wife
Mix and mismatch. There is nothing wrong with wearing three well-worn, grubby T-shirts in a variety of colours, one on top of the other, a body warmer, a nice pair of cords, and a pair of flip-flops. If you feel comfortable, go for it
Having found a look that you like, maintain it by dropping your clothes on the floor at the foot of your bed. This way, you will easily lay your hands on them when you get up the next day and will not have to scrabble about in drawers while half-asleep.
Never look in a mirror other than to shave.
My nine-year-old daughter's fashion tips
If you see it on a rail and like it, remove it, run to your mother and hold it up against your body while exhibiting your very best smile and saying the word "please" a lot.
If it's pink or features any sequins don't buy it.
My seven-year-old daughter's fashion tips
Wear any colour as long as it's pink.
There should be no limit to the number of sequins on an outfit. The more, the better.
When trying on a new outfit examine yourself from every angle possible, for about an hour.
This is sound advice. And honest too. Victoria Beckham warns against showing too much flesh. I don't recall ever seeing her in anything more substantial than a boob tube. A sloppy cover-all cardi? Never.
Updated: 08:53 Tuesday, March 14, 2006
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