What to do when your kids blossom into students

It is sod's law. You have probably been dreaming of your child growing up and going off to university since the day they were born.

But home is suddenly going to seem very empty and quiet once that boisterous teenager has gone. And you're probably going to feel bereft. For a while, at least.

Connie Cullen's daughter went off to university a few years ago. "It is certainly very stressful," she recalls. "It is hard to believe how empty the house can seem."

It is all for the best, of course. Your child is taking the first steps into adulthood, and embarking on an education that should set them up for life. None of which will make you feel much better at the moment of saying goodbye.

There are things you can do to make it easier, however - and to ensure your offspring copes once they do strike out on their own.

Connie, the director of admissions and school liaison at the University of York, is ideally placed to offer advice...

Making preparations

Teach your teenager some "survival skills" before they go, Connie says. Not only will it make them more confident about being able to look after themselves, it may also help them make friends. "They might be the only one who knows how to open a can or operate the washing machine!"

Connie's essential skills would be:

Using a washing machine

Being able to prepare some simple meals. Connie suggests pasta dishes such as spaghetti bolognese, omelettes, even a healthy salad.

Before your teenager leaves, it is important to discuss money with them. It will be embarrassing, not only because it is probably not the kind of thing they have ever seriously discussed with you before, but also because you may have to reveal more about your own finances than you feel comfortable with, says Connie. But they must know to what extent you will (and will not) be able to bail them out if they get into financial difficulties. It will also help them to budget. So sit them down, talk through what income they will have each month - in the form of their student loan, and any money you will be giving them - and what their essential outgoings on things such as food and rent will be. You can then work out how much will be left for having fun. It also will be worth making sure you have an easy way to get in touch with them once they have gone - such as email or text-messaging.

"If you have a mobile phone but have never used it for texting, this is the time to learn," Connie says. "Texting is a great way of keeping in touch."

Getting there

When you drop your teenager off at their hall of residence or flat, make sure they have something to remember home by -a family photo, or a favourite duvet - because they will miss you once you drive away. "They may think it would be a bit wimpy to take pictures of their mum - but everybody will have one!" says Connie. Once you have unloaded all their gear and have had that ceremonial cup of tea, try to remain upbeat and cheerful, Connie adds.

"You can stop half a mile down the road and cry, but not in front of them! Tell them how wonderful it is going to be, and how much you are looking forward to hearing from them - but keep a smile on your face and do your crying later!"

Back home

You'll have to brace yourself for one of two possibilities, Connie says.

Either you just won't hear anything at all - which can be agonising, but is probably no cause for concern and is when those lines of communication you established earlier will come in useful. "Or you're going to hear a soft, muffled voice crying down the phone because they are so unhappy."

Most of the time that will just be a passing phase. Your teenager will be missing home, tired and stressed, and might complain about not having any friends, or the coursework being boring. Listen and be sympathetic, but don't be drawn into being an emotional prop, says Connie.

It is important they go out and make friends, rather than phoning home all the time.

Usually, after they have had a good moan they will feel much better and will go off and have a good evening, leaving you at home to agonise about them.

But occasionally there may be more serious problems: they may not like their accommodation, or may feel they have chosen the wrong course. In case that happens, familiarise yourself through the university's prospectus or website with who the people are who can offer students advice on 'pastoral' issues.

:: Mum's tale

Livia Nicholson well remembers the day her son Daniel went off to university for the first time a year ago.

"His dad drove him down to London," Livia, from Clifton, says. "He took an awful long time coming back, because he had to keep stopping to have a cry!"

They couldn't help worrying, of course, about whether their son would be able to make new friends, and how he would cope on his own. "Apparently he looked very forlorn when his dad drove off, and when I spoke to him on the phone he still sounded very forlorn! But about two hours later other people moved into the flat," Livia says. "They all went out to a party and that was it!"

Once they knew he had settled and was enjoying himself, it became much easier. But it still took time to adjust to Daniel's absence. Livia kept cooking for four, she admits (her daughter, Amy, is still at home). And even when he went back to London this summer to start his second year, she felt a wrench.

The thing to focus on, she says, is that actually going away to college or university is the best thing that can happen for young people. "It is a wonderful experience - and it is probably the only time of their life when they can go to bed at 4am and get up at 2pm!" she says. There are benefits in it for the parents, too, she jokes. "There is much less laundry!"

:: York applications soar

MORE students applied to the University of York this year in the scramble to avoid next year's top-up fees. The numbers wanting to come to the city rose by 1,000 compared with last year, up from 19,000 to 20,000.

It is thought many will have wanted to avoid the new £3,000 fees for students starting in 2006. Students starting this year will continue to pay £1,100 in university fees.

Universities across the country are expecting a dip in the number of applicants next year, although this is expected to be a temporary blip. The cost of a university education is staggeringly high.

According to the UNITE survey, based on a MORI poll of students, the average predicted debt on graduation is £10,000.

This is expected to double to £20,000 for those paying the higher fees next year.

Students who receive a full loan can access £4,195 in their first two years and £2,735 in their final year.

But they have an average overdraft of £1,127 for each year of their course.

About 17 per cent also own credit cards and five per cent take out personal loans of up to £4,000.

Students pay on average £54 a week for their accommodation - £2,808 for a year.

Parents who look after students during holiday time and pay £50 on their board and lodging are also supplementing them by £1,300 a year

To make ends meet, many students are seeking part-time jobs. The average student works 14.5 hours a week and earns £86.

Steve Paige, student welfare officer at York University, said: "It is getting relatively more expensive for students year on year.

"Debt levels are increasing."

:: Top tips for freshers

Jack Woodhams, President of York St John Students' Union, offers advice to freshman students:

Get involved - Your Students' Union will have a full calendar of events to help you settle in, and will hold a fair early on to provide you with information on local health facilities, sports clubs and university societies with which to get involved. Go along and find out about your new area.

Information - Your Students' Union and university will have sent you lots of useful information to help you settle in. Read it, you don't want to miss the first event at your Students' Union or enrolment!

Money - Look at what a bank can offer you (not just the free gift!) and make sure you get the best deal for you. Make the most of financial advice available at the university, and plan a budget of what you can afford to spend each week and how much your cost of living is so you don't get any surprise bills.

Ask - Always ask if you're not sure. You are one of over a million people moving to university and people expect you to ask questions.

Be careful - You will have a fantastic time but be aware you're in a new city, so make sure you know where you're going and travel around with friends. If on a night out, be responsible with your drinking and look after yourself and your new house mates.

Be positive - You will have an amazing experience at university and while you may feel nervous, don't worry because you will settle in quickly.

Updated: 09:06 Friday, September 09, 2005