NO wonder heartthrob TV chef James Martin left North Yorkshire behind - too many speed humps.

The Ready Steady Cook star hails from Malton and his dad, Ian, was event manager at Castle Howard for 27 years, launching the proms which will take place again on Saturday.

At the age of 12 James cooked for the Queen Mother. But it seems that the northern Jamie Oliver has racier tastes these days. His great love is eating up the miles in a speedy sports car.

Asked what would be his first act if he ruled the world, James, 33, didn't hesitate. "I'd ban Volvos," he said.

"I would buy the company, bankrupt it, and shut it down. I'd put all the left-over cars on an oil tanker and sink it."

That done, he would then abolish speeding. "I wouldn't have a limit. I don't care about the danger, I'd be going faster than anyone else on the road so it wouldn't bother me, and all the Volvos would be off the road so there'd be nothing in the way," insisted Ryedale's Ralf Schumacher.

Just for good measure, "anything that has an engine below two litres isn't allowed to drive on the road apart from between the hours of one to three in the morning.

"Also, any buses would only be allowed in bus lanes between one and two in the morning. I'd rather ban them to be honest.

"I would also up the price of cars and petrol, because there would be fewer vehicles on the road, people could go faster and you could get into London easier."

Finally, James, who now lives in Winchester, said he'd lengthen the Dartford Tunnel "because when you drive through it in a Ferrari it sounds unbelievable".

We can't see the Marble Arch on York's Leeman Road providing quite the same thrill for the bandana-wearing boy racer.

DOZENS of young school leavers were among the best dressed at York Races this week.

Punters remarked that the paddock area was more like a school disco as scantily-clad gaggles of girls sent messages to boys about who fancied who. The youngsters defied their years by dressing in flamboyant posh frocks, snappy suits straight from a gangster movie and the essential spray-on tan.

However, with many eagle-eyed police officers on patrol, the strongest drink being gulped was Vimto.

GRUMPY Aussies still in shock from their cricket team's poor showing against England failed to crack a smile at the racecourse.

One Antipodean punter, wearing his country's familiar green and yellow rugby jersey, refused to comment when asked if he was enjoying the Ebor meeting.

"Not now - I'm busy!" he snarled, before rudely barging past our reporter.

It is hoped his mood won't improve after the next Test at Trent Bridge.

TALKING of Test Match fever, our old friend Phil Roe - he of the curry-flavoured gin - is a veteran of exciting Ashes series.

He was lucky enough to be at Headingley on the Saturday of the famous 1981 Test.

"However, I was not fortunate enough to be there on the Monday when Ian Botham cut loose and virtually won the game on his own," says Phil, of Stamford Bridge.

"However, should you talk to any fan of the right age about that incredible performance by Botham, you will inevitably be told 'I was there!'

"Working on that invariable response, and the number of cricket fans in the country, there must have been three to four million spectators there that amazing day..."

Updated: 11:33 Friday, August 19, 2005