SENIOR Liberal Democrats on City of York Council plan their days with a painstaking precision that would make a world darts champion beam with pride.

After months monitoring the ruling group's agendas for executive meetings, the Diary can reveal an alarming amount of council clock-watching.

Executive get-togethers at the Guildhall - where important decisions are discussed before being voted on at full council - start on the dot at 2pm on a Tuesday.

In the last meeting, there were declarations of interest (2pm), minutes (2pm) and public participation (2pm).

At 2.06 - yes, 2.06, a mere 360 seconds after the thrills and spills of local government commenced - the next item on the agenda would be discussed.

But only four minutes had been set aside for future business, because at 2.10pm it was time to chat about the Local Transport Plan.

The clock was still ticking - and the itinerary timing was getting even more detailed.

Before you can ask whether the meeting had been sponsored by Accurist, next up was extra city centre evening metered parking (2.30pm), procurement of highways maintenance services and involvement of commercial services in the evaluation strategy (pencilled in for 2.35pm, despite the title alone taking half a day to recite) and then the home appreciation loan scheme for York (2.40pm).

Rushing on like a Japanese Bullet Train, litter and dog fouling bins were given an airing at 2.41pm.

A mere sixty seconds later, it was time to evaluate the posts of chief officers. And at a quarter to three we got an update on the York Cares employee volunteer scheme.

This tight time-frame shrouds every executive meeting. So you can't help wondering whether such a rigid approach continues outside the debating chamber, into Chez Galloway, the home of council leader Steve and fellow councillor Sue.

If not, here's a possible draft the diary has kindly drawn up for them.

7.30pm - Sit down to watch EastEnders. Put sausages under the grill.

7.43pm - Turn over sausages and boil kettle for potatoes.

7.59pm - Skip closing credits of EastEnders and make cup of coffee (two sugars, no milk).

8.05pm - Eat tea.

8.20pm - Plan agenda for the next executive meeting.

8.54pm - Phone the speaking clock.

8.55pm - Find out all clocks and watches in the house are 20 seconds too fast. Angrily change them.

8.59pm - Alter times for the next executive meeting....

PUNTERS have many reasons to complain to management and leave a pub in a huff.

Drunken abuse from fellow boozers, poor quality food, a jukebox stuck on Gloria Estafan's Greatest Hits or a Guinness with a head the size of southern Ireland are just some excuses heard over the years.

But here is a genuine first, overheard in a popular city hostelry - noisy cutlery.

Quite how the combination of knife, fork and napkin managed to shatter decibel levels remains a mystery to the Diary.

The pub's reaction to the outraged middle-aged couple, as they stamped out to the car park?

Probably, fork off...

Updated: 09:13 Tuesday, August 09, 2005