Chris Titley

IT is one of the great mysteries of history. How did our ancestors cope without self-help books? We are fortunate indeed to live in an age where life guidebooks abound. Bookshop shelves groan under the weight of wisdom in such tomes as Corporate Charisma; The Art Of Everyday Ecstasy and Taking The Warts Out Of Worry.

What did our forefathers have? Nothing. Except the Bible, of course.

But that only had ten commandments. We have Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People, Seven Spiritual Ways To Success, the Ten Steps To Over-Achieving and 100 Ways To Motivate Yourself. That's 124 commandments, and I have hardly started.

'The Bible' - it even sounds old fashioned. Now, if the author had called it God Wants You To Be Rich, as Paul Zane Pilzer did with his book, He might be making the Sunday supplements.

And, boy, the pace of life has changed since 'New' Testament days. Jesus took goodness knows how long to provide the multitude with bread and fishes. He could not compete today against The 10 Minute Miracle.

This is a "guide to self-healing which incorporates real knowledge within a fast-track approach". It is for "rushed-off-their-feet people" wanting to take control of their lives. Doesn't it sound exciting? Unfortunately I haven't had time to read it yet.

One can't help imagining how history could have been made so much better if these remarkable books had been around earlier.

If Eric Bloodaxe had only been able to lay his hands on The Little Book Of Calm At Work just as he was about to start raping, pillaging and generally acting like a grump, he would have remembered its instruction that: "You can't feel bad when you're feeling good!"

The next thing you know, he would have been grinning like a daft thing, giving the hordes the week off and changing his name to Eric Bluebell.

If only the Boston Strangler could have consulted Staying Sane, by the Chris Evans of psychiatry, Dr Raj Persaud. Our bad-tempered Bostonian would soon have discovered his murderous tendencies through one of the easy-to-complete quizzes.

He would have ticked boxes like "I dislike many people whom I see daily", to be told with dazzling insight by Dr Persaud that "you lack the social skills to get on with others." Soon he would have been going easy on the throttle.

If only Eeyore had counted Napoleon Hill as well as Piglet and Winnie The Pooh among his friends. Napoleon's Keys To Positive Thinking would have revitalised the doleful donkey.

Bold concepts like "To be happy, ACT happy!" would have made old Eeyore nearly choke on his thistle. After a moment of thought, the ageing quadruped would have been cart-wheeling around Pooh Corner singing choruses of "I Feel Pretty!"

The real tragedy, however, is not those poor characters from the past who were unable to benefit from these priests of perceptiveness. No, it is our contemporaries who have access to this lifeskills library and who choose to ignore it.

Look at President Bill Clinton. In this writer's opinion, he should not be impeached for adultery, or for telling lies. He should be impeached for not reading Hot Monogamy by Dr Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.

If Mr President had picked up a copy, instead of picking up daffy White House interns, he would have soon discovered ways he and Mrs President could use to keep the homefires burning. One stunning suggestion is that couples "vary their lovemaking styles."

It must take years of training and rare discernment to write a self-help book. That is why hundreds of people publish them every year.

Now I'm having a go. In bookshops soon will be my contribution to the genre: Clock Off - 10 Ways To Stop Wasting Time. Chapter one is entitled: Don't Bother To Read This Trite Book. I'm still working on the other nine.

12/10/98

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