Chris Titley

WHO are the most powerful people in Britain today? Some still believe the answer is our politicians - particularly the politicians themselves. Yet these well-meaning guys sit up till all hours debating amendments to the Gravel & Associated Aggregate (Paths & Carports) Bill while big business flogs Britain off to assorted global Del Boys.

So does that mean the nation's top bananas are the business execs? No. Because the suits whose mood swings dictate the lives of thousands of British workers, live in America, Germany, France, Japan, Australia, Switzerland...

Britain's computer whizzkids are growing ever more dominant, of course. They can persuade us to spend thousands on high-tech hardware that becomes obsolete the moment we sign the credit card chit. However, they are only 12 and can be robbed of their influence with a custard cream and a Pamela Anderson poster.

No, the real power brokers in today's society are hairdressers. It's frightening. The crimpers are taking over the world. And what's more, their only weapons are an itchy cape and two copies of Hello! magazine (circa 1997).

Let's face it, the scissorhands have always had the capability to destroy a customer's confidence with one over-ambitious colour-and-set. But now their efforts are dominating the political and social agendas.

If you don't believe me just look at the papers. In recent days journals read by millions of Britons have been dominated by the following world-shaking revelations: Father Gets Haircut. Baby Given Similar Haircut. Mother Gets A Slightly Different Haircut. These stories were accompanied by pictures of Posh, Becks and Brooklyn looking like a young unemployed family off to spend an afternoon loitering in a shopping centre.

As yet there is no word on the disclosures from Downing Street. But then, our receding Prime Minister has his own hairline fractures to deal with.

Mr Blair is desperately trying to persuade favoured London Mayor candidate Frank Dobson to rattle down the barbers and whip off that beard. His rival, clean-shaven Ken, removed his spivvy moustache some time ago and has shot ahead in the polls.

Meanwhile, Dobbo is in trouble for labelling redheads "untrustworthy". Speaking as a strawberry-blond myself (definitely not ginger, don't believe those rumour-mongers, they're just jealous) I'd like to show solidarity with my carrot-topped peers. There but for the grace of DNA go I...

Mind you, New Labour has always been big on style and short-back-and-sides on substance. Their frothy, spin-doctored policies should carry the tag-line: "Formulated and controlled by Laboratoire Garnier."

Even the Royal Family are embroiled in a hair-scare scandal. Usually a paragon of tact, the Duke of Edinburgh dropped a right follicle during his trip to an Australian cheese-making plant.

He refused to wear a hair-net while touring the factory. As a result, the Aussie dairy may have to chuck out a churnful of Cheddar to prevent a greasy royal hair finding its way into a beach bum's sandwich.

If you want to read the latest from the lunatic fringe turn to the tress-obsessed Sun. It can't be long before the paper serialises Beckham's barber's memoirs: "Today: Find out whether Posh and Becks are going anywhere nice on holiday this year. Tomorrow: what he wanted for the weekend".

Coincidentally, editor of The Sun David Yelland takes up a page of The Spectator this week to plug the paper's history book, Hold Ye Front Page. He reveals how this volume reports the death of Joan of Arc, Sun-style. "'Guilty! Crazed French Army girl Joan is to be burned alive' is the front page," he writes. "If the Sun had been around at the time we would have said exactly that." Rot, Mr Yelland. Your headline would have read: "Revealed: how you can get Joan's sizzling new style."

If you have any comments you would like to make, contact Chris Titley directly at chris.titley@ycp.co.uk

22/03/00

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.