IT never occurred to me to think of Jesus Christ as a cowboy. But then I'm not an artist, although that word has been used as suffix in a certain expression of a derogation.

A pile of bricks, even in the Tate Gallery, is just a pile of bricks to me. But 72-year-old artist Joe Putsey of York is capable of leaps of the imagination when the muse is upon him, so Christ can be a cowboy on canvass.

Diminutive white-haired Joe crosses his legs, shows off his brown cowboy boots and sips thoughtfully on his pint when I pose the question: "You have painted Christ as cowboy with six-shooters on either hip, yet didn't he preach love, tolerance and turning the other cheek?"

Wild West-mad Joe fires back immediately with: "That was when He came the first time around. He was spreading the word of God and what He stood for. When He comes back he will rule with a rod of iron. All right he won't be a killer, but I've painted him with guns as symbols of His Almighty power. It is a metaphor for authority, really."

York-born Joe went to art classes at the city's main gallery when he was just 13.

"I paid one old penny for a piece of paper, four drawing pins and the use of an easel - much to my father's bewilderment. He said we 'didn't go in for that sort of stuff'.

"But I loved it. But I can remember going red in the face with embarrassment when I did my first nude in the life class.

"I hovered behind the ample back of the naked redhead posing for the class but the tutor said 'Get yourself round to the front Joe and let's see how good you are at sketching figures'.

"You could have fried an egg on my face and when I showed my dad what I'd learned at art class. When I got home that night he was horrified. He said 'If that's the best they can teach ya, ya goos namoore!'"

Joe, a former security man with Rowntrees, retired at 60 to pursue his love of painting in oils and watercolours. "My wife Margrie was brilliant. Midge encouraged and inspired me all the way and suggests themes for me to paint."

Joe, who was baptised in the Ouse last July at 71, describes himself a Christian but not a Bible-punching tub-thumper.

"I'm sure Jesus will forgive me if my paintings offend," he says quite seriously for a man who loves to laugh.

If you are interested in buying one of Joe's paintings give me a ring and I'll pass on the request.

u YORK'S Three Amigos went to Portsmouth for the wedding of the fourth, and what a shock they got. The beautiful bride came from a strict Quaker family so the 'do' was a 'don't' when it came to booze - just mineral water to toast the happy couple.

Plasterer and best man Dave Graham, builder Les Wilcox - Fat Les, although he isn't - and brickie Chris Green were gagging for a drink as things proceeded to get worse during the wedding breakfast at the posh Pompey hotel.

Les says: "For starters it was prawn cocktail. Three tiny prawns and a mound of lettuce. Next came the main course, ham salad - the faintest hint of ham and loadsa lettuce."

By the time the dessert arrived, Fat Les was getting thinner and beginning to think he had turned into a rabbit.

Finally the waitress deposited fruit salad in front of the ravenous builder.

Les looked at it in dismay and as she was walking away he shouted: "Oi! love, you've forgotten the lettuce!"

Best man Dave tried to slide under the top table and Chris just curled up... just like a lettuce.

u THERE are some red faces down at York's Frog Hall pub following a trip to Newcastle to see rock legend Paul Rodgers. A group of regulars hired a mini-bus to take them to see the former guitarist with Seventies stars Free - and a good time was had.

After the concert one of the younger members of the party headed for the merchandising stalls. "You don't wanna do that," the wise old heads chorused. "Come outside and you'll get the gear much cheaper."

Undeterred, our young hero went to the authorised stalls and bought himself a 'Paul Rodgers Tour' T-shirt giving towns and dates.

Later he was joined on the bus by his cheapskate mates sporting almost similar T-shirts, and bragging they got them half-price from 'a guy in an alley at the side of the theatre'.

"Very good, lads," said their bus driver, "but who the hell is Pat Rodgers and where is Liverpol?"

u LITTLE Colin was munching breakfast at his Clifton home the other morning when he got to thinking...

"Mummy, mummy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked.

"He thinks a lot," replied mum, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked: "So why do you have so much hair?"

u THE bubbly Tadcaster blonde was seriously overweight so she went to her doctor who put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds," he promised.

When Blondie returned to the quack's she had lost nearly 20 pounds.

"That's amazing!" said the doc, standing back in amazement, "did you follow my instructions?"

Blondie nodded saying: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping," she said.

u Four things you will never hear a man say...

Here sweetheart, you use the remote.

While I'm up, can I get you anything?

Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

Forget the football, let's watch Crossroads instead.

u Four things you will never hear a woman say...

What do you mean today's our anniversary?

Ohh, this diamond is way too big!

Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.

Don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.