Surrender to your man

YOUR husband is always right. That could be the mantra, chanted in Stepford Wives-style, by controversial author Laura Doyle and her growing band of followers who preach the key to marital harmony is to defer to your husband.

Laura, the American author who describes herself as a 'former shrew', outlines the path to perfect partnership in her new book The Surrendered Wife. Already a sensation in the United States, it has spawned a network of self-help groups full of women keen to practice what she preaches in order to rescue their rocky marriages.

Laura is now bringing her words of wisdom to Britain, embarking this week on a publicity tour which will culminate on Sunday with the screening of a Channel 4 documentary about the surrendering phenomenon.

Distilling Laura's near 300-page tome into its essence: to surrender, a wife must stop trying to control her husband, respect his thoughts and ideas and let him take the reins in the relationship, including running the household finances, even if he is lousy with money.

In fact, even if you think his ideas are lousy full stop, his behaviour is lousy, his friends, clothes and the way he deals with the kids are lousy, you must never say so. Instead you must bite your lip, wear a muzzle, tape your mouth - whatever it takes not to utter a criticism of your man.

And your rewards? More intimacy, passion and fulfilment in your marriage. And more time for yourself. After all, the energies you once spent trying to control your partner's life as well as your own now have to be channelled elsewhere.

Laura believes that surrendering works by restoring the gender balance in a relationship: returning men and women to their 'traditional' roles.

And it's only something women need do at home. In the workplace, they can still be the boss - or just downright bossy. The only times a woman should not surrender are if her man is violent, has an addiction or is unfaithful, says Laura. All other men are assumed to be essentially the 'good guys', if only they were given half a chance.

Following an appearance on yesterday's This Morning show with her husband John, Laura is straight on the telephone for an interview with the Evening Press. Having read her book, I'm curious about how surrendering works in practice. Normally, Laura charges $90 an hour for such personal coaching, but knowing I'll have her ear for free, I draw up a list of posers for her, such as:

u If he decides to paint the lounge in Leeds United blue and yellow, do I really have to acquiesce?;

u By surrendering, will my other half start doing his half of the domestic chores (or at least putting his smelly socks in the laundry basket)?;

u Does it mean I will actually want to snuggle up with him on the sofa and happily watch Top Gear without mentioning that Robson Green is on the other side?

But first, I remember my feminist sensibilities and ask Laura to tell me the difference between a surrendered wife and a subservient one.

"A surrendered wife acknowledges she can't change anyone but herself," begins Laura. "She doesn't tell her husband how to drive or what socks to wear. Acceptance of this creates intimacy. A subservient wife...well, sub means below. It implies one is superior and one is inferior. But by relinquishing control of her husband's life, a wife doesn't become inferior."

Laura says she has no problem equating her feminism with her surrendering.

"Feminists who have trouble with my book, haven't read it," she declares. "Surrendering is very much a feminist issue. Women who get divorced are five times more likely to declare bankruptcy and end up in poverty. So in terms of sisterhood, it behoves us to stay married if it is an option."

Surrendering need not impact on women's roles outside the home, she adds.

"I'm a force to be reckoned with at work. I want to sell books," she says. "But I want different things from home: I want intimacy and I want to be adored."

Just as you act differently with your parents and friends, Laura advises women to "wear a different hat" at work and home.

She admits that since becoming a surrendered wife "I like myself better". And her marriage is much happier.

But what about the nuts and bolts? Does the surrendered wife have to absolutely agree with her Mr Right, even when she thinks he's wrong? What about my DIY dilemma - if he wants to recreate the Leeds strip on our lounge walls can I put my foot down?

It depends, says the diplomatic Laura.

"What is really going on is compromise. If my husband wanted to paint the TV room in his team's colours and I preferred something neutral, chances are my husband would not press the point.

"But let's say he did, and said it was really important the room was painted in green and gold and it would make him really happy. I'd ask myself: 'Is it really going to hurt me?'

"We have a big house and this is only one room. So if it wasn't going to cause me any physical or emotional pain, I'd say yes."

Keeping things in perspective is a crucial part of being a surrendered wife. Every time you feel annoyance/ irritation/rage because he's not made the bed/picked up his socks/washed the breakfast dishes, just remember all the good things he does, is Laura's advice.

Think about how he provides for the family, brings you a cup of tea before bedtime, helps the kids with the homework, looks after the garden...and somehow picking up those smelly socks won't be so painful.

One thing's for sure, says Laura, yelling at him will only make matters worse.

"If he feels you are trying to control him about his clothes on the floor, it is most likely they will stay there. If you don't say anything, surrendering sometimes has a magic effect."

Another key point is not to confuse surrendering with brainwashing. If an un-surrendered wife wasn't interested in York City's weekly performances or the car of the week on Top Gear, don't expect her to change. But do expect her to give hubby the space to enjoy his hobbies and passions in peace...leaving her free to indulge her interests.

"Surrendering is a lot more tolerable than most women are going to expect," concluded Laura.

"They fear they are going to lose control but what they actually gain is self empowerment."

- The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle, is published by Simon & Schuster, £10

- For more information about surrendering and its support groups, visit the website: www.surrenderedwife.com