GOVERNMENT spies infiltrating political parties.

Schools standing empty while children burn cars and sell drugs.

And the pound gone forever - only to be found behind a glass case inside a high-security museum.

It is a plot to rival anything which grew in the fertile mind of George Orwell.

But it was actually just another day at the office for the Tories.

Lord Tebbit set the ball rolling with a conspiracy theory of the finest quality.

He said Prime Minister Tony Blair was so determined to "bounce" Britain into the Euro that he had instructed MI6 to infiltrate the UK Independence Party.

The idea is that MI6 is moving to neutralise opposition to the single currency.

This is to be done by ensuring the UKIP does so well in the General Election that it triggers a Tory leadership contest.

The Cabinet Minister-turned-detective claims that - since the infiltration began - the UKIP has changed tactics to stand against Tory MPs opposed to the euro.

Previously it had only stood against pro-European Tories.

"If I am right, mused Lord Tebbit, "UKIP's intervention will be immensely damaging to the Tories."

Not to mention the integrity of the entire British political system, then?

Just when things were returning to normal, the Tories decided to unleash a second bombshell - their latest party political broadcast.

Even scarier than the last one (Labour is to blame for two rapes and frightening old ladies), it portrayed a world in which schools had been closed by teacher shortages.

Instead children stole from newsagents, laughed manically while torching cats and peddled drugs.

It then cut to a time after Britain had joined the euro (which won't be too long, if you believe Lord Tebbit).

Fishermen were only allowed to go to sea on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, interest rates were spiralling, apples cost two euros and - best of all - there were only three pound coins left in the whole world.

The final scene showed the gold coins, perched on a cushion of purest velvet, behind a thick glass case.

Next to them was a simple sign: "The pound, 1500 to 2002".

Labour said it was shameless scaremongering.

Everyone else said it was hilarious.

Updated: 16:06 Friday, May 25, 2001