ART connasewers like what I is know a rising star when they see one. Mick Lynch, of Clementhorpe, York, has broken through the £1,000-sale barrier and he is bristling with pride. Mick, 46, a former editorial artist on this very paper, was thrilled when his watercolour Shuttered Facade, sunlight on a "fairly nondescript" building in the little Umbrian town of Umbertide in Italy, was snapped up for £1,050 from the Walker Gallery of Contemporary Art in Harrogate's Montpelier Parade.

The 3ft 6ins by 2ft 6ins painting is modest Mick's first big sale.

"I've sold about ten paintings but usually at around the £300 to £450 mark so Facade is a big breakthrough for me," he says.

Mick has exhibited at the Royal Academy London plus Leeds and York art galleries and now glows brighter than his striking paintings at the thought of making it big.

"It is confirmation that my name is becoming known and people are seeking out my work," says college-trained Mick.

The Walker Gallery has five more Lynches for sale to artful codgers with an eye for a sound investment.

u I NOTICE 85 Nunnery Lane in land-locked York is called Sea View. I know cliff-side hotels and farms operate under threat of the ever-rising North Sea. But what do the good people at number 85 know that we don't?

So why did you call it Sea View? Send your answer on an oak-smoked kipper to... you now where.

u At the bottom of York's Blue Bridge Lane there is a plinth in connection with the Millennium Walk. As far as I can recall it states that the first bridge over the Foss, at that point, was built in 1782 and that it was replaced in 1767.

As a council taxpayer, I don't mind money being spent on the walk but resent paying for sloppy workmanship.

u SOME bonehead walked into the Simon Simpson's butchers' shop in Walmgate yesterday and asked for 20 Lambert & Butler fags.

Before he had time to realise his mistake, the fresh-faced meat mechanic, smiled and snapped back sharply with: "I suppose you'll be going into the bookies' next door for a sirloin steak, eh?"

u The following are real extracts from Royal Navy and Royal Marine Forms S206 (Officers' Fitness Reports), sent to me by a former marine officer now tied-up in York.

I would not breed from this officer.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

This young man has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny, since then he has aged considerably.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. But not this country!

Has a room temperature IQ.

Possesses a photographic memory, but with the lens cap on.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, this officer only gargled.

u JUST about every other advert in TV these days is for no-win no-fee litigation claims from those courtroom vultures - solicitors.

This is how bad it is getting.

"The ethics and legal implications of splatting and sloshing are expected to be hotly debated under the big top," says a spokesman for Clowns International on fears that spectators hit by stray custard pies may sue.

I should Coco!

u STRESSING the importance of a good vocabulary, a Selby teacher told her young pupils: "Use a word ten times, and it will be yours for life."

From the back of the class, came a boy's voice chanting: "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

u WE love Americans in old York, don't we? As sainted Berwick Kaler would say: "Oh, yes we do!"

So here's a bit of fun at their expense from my mate Mike from Missouri. It's called

Only In America...

Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

Do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put their useless junk in the garage.

lDo they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

God bless America and let's hope the Chinese give them their spy plane back soon.