BRAS can seriously damage your health - if you're a man that is. Apparently, the task of undoing one reduces many blokes to fumbling wrecks. Doctors, who treated a man who suffered major ligament damage and a fracture during a close encounter in the bedroom, say 40 per cent of young men have such a poor understanding of the opening and closing of bras that they are putting themselves at risk.

They reported their findings in a medical journal, in which they referred to a recent test in which one male volunteer took 20 minutes to unclasp a woman's bra.

But what about us? Women, that is - the wearers of these garments?

A straw poll I hastily conducted among the mums at my daughter's playgroup (a good cross-section of ages and busts) produced the unanimous verdict that bras are as much a nightmare for females as they are for men.

"Why isn't there one-size fits all?" asked one. "They're all right one day and lumpy the next," moaned another.

Bras are by far the most difficult garment known to man, or rather woman.

More than 90 per cent of females are wearing the wrong size, according to a leading high street chain.

And, ideally, you should change your bra every three to six months - which is, apparently, the average bra's working life.

Mine have a working life longer than your average TV set. I once had the pleasure of meeting a professional bra fitter, who went through the do's and don'ts of buying a bra.

To find your size, she explained, you measure around the body, underneath the bust.

If the measurement is an even number you add four inches. For an odd number add five inches. It was all too complicated for me.

As a mathematical dunce, any mention of numbers immediately mashes my brain.

New bras are like new shoes - you have to suffer weeks of shifting the straps around, of pressure sores, and wrestling with the hook and eye and clasps (double ones are the worst - I have to set my alarm clock ten minutes early for those).

So, I have every sympathy for men who, probably after a few pints, stumble across the hook and eye nightmare that goes to make up most bras.

And I raise my hat (cotton, safari-style, only ever worn on the beach in summer) to women who heap more problems on themselves by taking on the added extras on offer to supposedly make our breasts look ultra-gorgeous.

Gel-filled, pump-up and heaven knows what else, all on top of the notorious double clasp hook and eye.

At least by suffering at the hands of the bra, men get a taste of how tough life is as a woman.

By comparison, vests (if worn - not many men do) are just so easy.

Recently, I have received a number of letters criticising my opinions on sex, including the view that I'd rather have a cup of tea.

Well, I'd just like to respond by pointing out that, according to the executive producer of Big Brother, the decision to scrap the private "love shack" on the new series (well-used in every European country broadcasting a similar show) was because "the Scandinavians have sex like rabbits, the Germans are remarkably efficient about their tasks, the French are romantic and the Spaniards are fiery.

"But the Brits are just British.

"They just sit around drinking tea."

I rest my case.

Updated: 10:39 Monday, May 27, 2002