Dad's the word

Graham Sullivan is a dedicated family man with three sons. Nothing unusual there, you might say. But what makes his family tree a particularly interesting specimen is that the youngest twig, eight-month-old Adam, is more than 20 years younger than his brothers. Like film star Michael Douglas and comedian Billy Connolly, Graham is one of the growing number of modern men becoming fathers again later in life.

"After my first marriage ended, I thought that was it," said the 48-year-old forensic community psychiatric nurse from Herdsman Drive in Copmanthorpe. "It never entered my head for a moment that I might have another baby - it just wasn't a consideration."

Graham's first son, Gareth, was born when he was 24, followed two years later by his second son, Gavin.

"I recall quite vividly the dirty nappies and the sleepless nights," he said. "I don't know if anything ever prepares you for a baby, whatever age you are, but in your twenties you tend to be bogged down in building a career and achieving financial security.

"It's a very stressful time, and no matter how much you read or how much you learn from others, nothing prepares you for the complete culture shock when the baby arrives."

The boys' mum (who does not want to be named) stayed at home to care for them for five years while her husband took on the traditional role of breadwinner.

"That was the accepted way of raising children then," said Graham. "Mum stayed at home with the kids and dad worked all hours. I think, deep down, some men saw work as a welcome break from family life."

The marriage broke down when Gareth and Gavin were seven and five, but the couple managed to remain on good terms and were determined to put the children first.

"I was single for a very long time after that," said Graham. "It was fun for a while of course, but then I got to the stage where the single life seemed to be lacking in depth. There was definitely something missing. Even then I never thought I would have another family."

But that is precisely what happened. And, 24 years after becoming a father for the first time, he became a father again.

"For a lot of men my age the thought of having another baby would be quite unappealing," he said. "The demands of having a child can be completely overwhelming. But I have found that the hard work is far outweighed by the sheer joy of being with Adam."

Gareth and Gavin were understandably surprised to discover they were going to have a little brother. But they made it clear it was a pleasant surprise.

"The way they reacted was great," said Graham. "When they realised it was what I really wanted, they accepted it without question. They are young men with their own lives and they are out in the world doing their own thing. But when they are here with Adam there is a definite bond. No matter what the age gap, they are brothers."

His five-year-old granddaughter was also delighted with the new and unexpected addition to the family, although it took her a while to convince her teacher and school friends that she had a new baby uncle.

"I don't know if there is an ideal age to have children," said Graham. "But I remember it being much more pressurised the first time round.

"I don't get stressed at all now and my patience is considerable because I have reached a stage in my life when I am at ease with myself and life in general. I actively look forward to coming home from work to spend time with Adam. My priorities are certainly not what they once were.

"Kids remember the good times, the holidays and the fun. They don't remember the nice three-piece suite you scrimped and saved to buy. You shouldn't concentrate on building a house, you should build a home. Being a family is not about finances and material things, it's about enjoying your time together."

His attitude has obviously changed in the 20-plus years since Gareth and Gavin were born, and so has the practical side of raising children - much to his relief.

"Modern developments mean it is so much easier to look after a baby now," he said.

"We used to have to boil nappies in a bucket and hang them out to dry, now we just bag them up and throw them away. I don't miss that at all."

So does this mean Adam can look forward to having some brothers and sisters of his own age? Probably not, if the look that passes between Graham and his new wife (who does not want to be named) is anything to go by. But if they have learnt anything from their experience it is never to say never.

"Having another child was just not on my agenda," said Graham. "But in the past year my life has been surprising, amazing and incredibly fulfilling.

"I wouldn't necessarily say I recommend having children later in life. But I would recommend being open-minded about it. You never know what is round the corner."

Updated: 08:25 Tuesday, August 27, 2002