IT'S a statistic more shocking than Dolly Parton's chest. The UK now has more people aged over 60 than under 16. And, according to the 2001 census, more than a million people are aged over 85 - a five-fold increase since 1951.

Older people are living longer and the question constantly being asked is: "What can we do to stop this future drain on resources?"

Well, I'll tell you.

Many put increased longevity down to better health and nutrition. Well that's got to stop.

Pensioners have somehow - probably by taking the wrong bus route home from the Darby And Joan club - found their way to the local branch of Fitness First.

They are enjoying aerobics, yoga, aromatherapy and Thai massage, plus they are getting regular health checks. It's just one example of what has got to change.

The Government should introduce new legislation banning pensioners from work-outs, weights and the like and limiting their activities to walks on the prom, a spot of gardening, sedate tea dances and the occasional hokey-cokey at Christmas (zimmer frames permitting).

Other areas in need of urgent attention include:

Education: It is a known fact that an active mind leads to a longer life. The older generation is given far too much mental stimulation. No longer are they content to sit in an armchair with the crossword. Now they go back to college and take degrees. They are getting far too clever for their own good, developing sharp minds and an acute business sense, enabling them to make millions from PEPS, equities and things the rest of us haven't got time to get to grips with. This allows them to fund even more pleasure-seeking. OAPs should be directed back to their Parker Knoll multi-recliners and given one book of word search puzzles every month.

Travel: What has gone wrong here? Nowadays grannies are more likely to be seen clinging to the sides of K2 on their holidays than touring the highlands and islands with Wallace Arnold. They should have their passports confiscated and be given vouchers for brass band concerts at Scarborough Spa.

Hobbies: At what point did beetle drives become replaced with white water rafting, bungee jumping and riding Harley Davidsons? The most excitement a pensioner should be permitted to experience is a full house at the local Mecca.

Looks: Skin-tight jeans, figure-hugging tops, trendy jackets (and that's just the men) plus a host of anti-wrinkle creams, Botox, cosmetic surgery... No, no, no! Pensioners should be made to shop at Evans and use only a spot or two of Nivea.

Sex lives: Regular sex keeps you fit and old people are known to be having more of it nowadays. Viagra should be banned and grannies made to wear passion-killing Wynciette nighties.

Of course, I'm joking. I'm all for the kind of lifestyle that many old people are enjoying and I'm jealous that I don't have it myself.

I am also aware that many less fortunate pensioners have a grim existence and struggle to get by on meagre pensions.

There really will be a problem in future years and I hope that steps are being taken which will help ALL over 60s to live the good life (by that I don't mean keeping pigs in the back yard and making your own clothes).

Unfortunately, the way things look at the moment, I'll count myself lucky if I am able to sit on Scarborough front in my golden years never mind in the Himalayas.

By the time I retire pensioners will be surviving on scraps from hotel dustbins.

Updated: 10:09 Monday, October 14, 2002