IN the scheme of world sport it is perceived as a domestic spat, but between England and Australia the Ashes series is one of the keenest, meanest rivalries.

However, if the grunts and growls emanating from Australia - hosting this winter's willow war - are to be believed then the forthcoming battle between the two arch-rivals will barely test their resolve.

Already, those all-conquering, ever-mouthy Aussies have slipped into the give-it-loads-of-gob groove. Sledging out in the middle? It's a national pastime for those coming from a land Down Under.

Before a ball has been bowled, a boundary belted, a Pommie bashed even, Nasser Hussain's men have been roundly dismissed as no-hopers and no-chancers.

No way, sport, crow the hosts, can England halt the baggie-capped brigade, who have exerted a Manchester United-type mastery for the best part of the last decade.

Even before the tourists jetted out from Blighty former Australian bowling demon Dennis Lillee delivered a withering a verdict on the England attack.

The best bowler within the England ranks was Yorkshire's Darren Gough, opined Lillee, yet he was coming out into the cauldron of Oz not fully fit and woefully short of match practice. Furthermore, Lillee was at pains to see how any of the other England bowlers would be able to toss a spanner into the works of the green and gold machine.

And besides Gough being, if not crook, then certainly far from maximum health, key performers such as Gough's Tykes' team-mate Michael Vaughan and Lancashire all-rounder Andrew Flintoff were both recovering from end-of-season surgery. Hardly the best preparation to take on cricket's most grizzled and gutsy, let alone, skilled outfit.

If evidence were needed to strengthen the Australians' reputation as cricket's current powerhouse then barely had the tourists touched down when two of the men who have put the skids under England so often these past few years, returned to breath-taking form.

Shane Warne, the finger-flipping wizard whose spell over the old enemy began with that devilish first ball that bamboozled Mike Gatting in 1993, had an eight-wicket haul to rout Pakistan in the second Test of their present series.

To add insult to worry, Glenn McGrath chose Pakistan to capture his 400th Test wicket, only the eighth player to reach that milestone in the game's history.

Even more ominously for the next three months McGrath has his steely gaze on adopting a new England bunny.

The man from New South Wales was the nemesis of former England captain Mike Atherton, who has since retired from the international arena. As stubborn an opener to ever don pads, 'Athers' could not fathom McGrath, who frequently had the England ace transfixed like a rabbit caught by a cobra's stare.

Next up for the McGrath treatment could well be Vaughan. After his golden summer of four consecutive test centuries on home tracks, twice tantalisingly missing out on double-tons, the Yorkshire star will be regarded as one of the prime dangers to the Aussies. You can almost hear McGrath and Co thinking 'remove Vaughan and the rot could set in'.

The odds then are stacked Sydney Bridge-high against a winter of content for England, who started their tour against the Australian Cricket Board Chairman's XI at Lilac Hill today.

But there is a possible foothold. All is not set fair in the home camp with criticism flashing around the heads of the Waugh twins, Steve and Mark.

If England are to have any hope of being on the up Down Under then they will have to capitalise on any lack of harmony. And the admirable axis of captain Hussain and coach Duncan Fletcher are the best to seize any advantage.

But you can bet an Australian dollar that come the toss-up for the first Test on November 6 a full-alert Waugh footing will be assumed and those wild colonial boys will be singing from the same hymn-sheet.

JUST when David Seaman thought it could not get any worse up pops a teenager right out of the blue to add misery to the pony-tailed net-minder.

Everton's Wayne Rooney, who in two days' time celebrates his 17th birthday, smashed an outrageous goal past the beleaguered England 'keeper to also inflict the first defeat of the season upon Arsenal.

Strange to think that the teenager on the cusp of an illustrious career is still hurtling around on a mountain-bike while 39-year-old Seaman is being urged to get on his bike and quit the international game. Talk about taking the Mickey (Rooney).

Why not hit back at tony.kelly@ycp.co.uk

Updated: 10:49 Tuesday, October 22, 2002