A football pundit, twins in hotpants and two Popstars groups are battling for the Christmas number one. Has the festive chart battle always been so dire? Probably, sighs CHRIS TITLEY.

"You say yes, I say no

You say stop, and I say go, go, go

Oh no

You say goodbye, and I say hello, hello, hello"

"Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo figaro"

"Come and sing the cheeky song

Our cheeky song woo

Come and smile don't be shy

Touch my bum this is life"

THREE works of modern poetry. But what is the link? The musically-minded will have spotted it straightaway. The top two are lyrics from previous Christmas number ones, the, er, bottom verse is from a contender for this year's festive top spot.

First is the Beatles' hit Hello Goodbye, the 1967 Christmas chart topper. The Galileos echo out from Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen's headbanger from 1975. And the final effort is the Cheeky Girls' seminal work The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum).

The Cheeky Girls are the supposedly Transylvanian twins rejected from ITV1's talent fight Popstars: The Rivals. Their song, penned by their mum, went straight in at number two this week. Now they are hoping to wiggle their hot pants right onto the highest peak in singledom: the Christmas number one.

These three hits, spanning 35 years, suggest both songwriters and song buyers have always discarded their critical faculties for Christmas. More evidence? What about Mr Blobby's number one in 1993 or, from three decades ago, Little Jimmy Osmond with the Long Haired Lover From Liverpool? Hmm?

But if anything, the race for poll position has become both more bizarre and more manipulated in 2002.

If it's bizarre you're into, you're in for a treat. This is a bumper year for novelty singles.

Summer dance hit Las Ketchup has been re-released to capitalise on another holiday lapse in taste.

Then there's Backshelf Dog. This stars the nodding bulldog from the Churchill Insurance TV ads singing No Limits, Magic Moments and Hound Dog. All cash raised goes to the National Canine Defence League.

But even stranger is former Manchester United manager and telly football pundit 'Big' Ron Atkinson's bid for the number one spot. The cube-headed jewellery-lover croons his own composition It's Christmas - Let's Give Love A Try. And they're saying it's not that bad.

But all this lot are going to struggle against the manufactured sound of the two winning groups from Popstars: The Rivals. For week after week, this TV talent trek has been paring down young wannabes with the single-minded aim of claiming the Christmas number one.

Now it has created a boy band and a girl band: One True Voice and Girls Aloud. Both release their first single on Monday. Early betting has the boys as odds-on favourites to claim the top spot with their gushy ballad, but the girls' more ballsy effort is gaining fast. (According to bookies William Hill, the current number one by Eminem is at 16-1 to hang on for Christmas; Ron Atkinson's odds are 25-1, and it's 33-1 for Backshelf Dog).

If that wasn't bad enough, the BBC's entry into the manufactured pop business reaches its climax in the final of Fame Academy tonight. The winner gets a record contract.

All this has left Joe Coates, single buyer for Track Records in High Ousegate, York, unimpressed.

"It's all semi-manufactured bands, it's all brand new bands. I have not pre-sold a single yet by someone who has had albums out before," he said.

His pre-sales for next week are all for the single by One True Voice. "They're something off some telly programme," Joe explained. "The TV coverage makes it futile for anyone else to even try."

What, even Ron and the dog?

"No one has asked for Ron, which I am not shocked by, and no one has bought the Backshelf Dog single.

"I think the best thing that could happen is if Eminem stayed around to be Christmas number one. That would irritate the hell out of anyone who put all their money into these projects."

Christmas chart manipulation makes for musically lacklustre fare, he said. "Bands who have been kicking around for a couple of years just aren't interested.

"We point out that the last six weeks of the year there's a dearth of anything of interest."

So is this year's battle for Christmas number one the most cynical ever? "It has probably always been cynical. I'm only 22, but I do remember it being slightly more interesting in the past."

York Elvis impersonator and disco DJ Eddie Vee can predict next week's top ten for you with unerring accuracy. It's easy to do because the charts are now controlled by the big record companies, he said.

And that's never more obvious than at Christmas (his prediction for the top slot: Girls Aloud).

Eddie believes the glory era for the Christmas number one battle was the 1970s with such smashes as Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade and Wizzard's I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day.

But the manipulation of the festive chart goes back to the time of Mr Presley, who took the festive number one 40 years ago with Return To Sender.

"The reason why Elvis was number one was because his films were released for the two big holidays of the year, summer and Christmas."

Although a fan of television talent shows, Eddie is annoyed that weeks of peak-time TV shows are used to "brainwash" people into buying the records at the end.

Ultimately, it seems whatever pap they serve up, we will buy it at Christmas. Judging by the five most popular songs at Eddie's Christmas discos we abandon any sense of discrimination during December.

They are: 1. Dancing Queen by Abba; 2. I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor; 3. Dance The Night Away by the Mavericks; 4. Rock DJ by Robbie Williams and 5. It's Raining Men, any version.

"They're what you call the cheese and wine parties," said Eddie. "If you don't play the cheese, they all whine."

Updated: 11:50 Friday, December 13, 2002