AS the United States of America cranks up its war machine after pooh-poohing Iraq's self-certification of its arsenal of mass destruction weapons, let's earwig in the Oval Office where President George Bush Jnr is talking to Condi Rice, one of his foreign office advisors...

George Bush, Jr.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi?

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of spring rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

And with such confusing double-talk going on, how appropriate that Eden Camp museum should just have been donated some new gas masks.

That's assistant archivist Darren Simpson with the muzzlers in the picture.

He must be a worried man because he's put one on...

u SCROOGE is alive and well and being mean at Menzies, the magazine distributors, just off Lawrence Street, York.

Last week I mentioned the miserly company Christmas treat to "lucky" workers at Monkhill Confectionery on Low Poppleton Lane, York, who were given a seasonal voucher of £2.80 to fritter away in the firm's sweetie shop.

Well, according to Ho Chi Trung, a Vietnamese-born worker at Menzies, I told you, I would protect your true identity, Norbut the magazine distributor in York's James Street rang and went one better.

He told me: "For five years we given a choice of any free Christmas TV and radio magazine for Christmas. Last year we didn't get one, but we haven't been told we are not getting one this year. More than 50 people work here so you can imagine how excited we are in the run up to Christmas Eve."

The Radio Times, the most popular Christmas TV mag, costs £1.70. Based on the conservative figure of 50 members of staff that would only cost meanie Menzies £85 for the entire depot.

Well, I have bad news for you Norbut - sorry, Trung - you won't be getting a free TV mag this year either. I spoke to one of your managers and she told me "no more free Christmas mags, but they do look after us in other ways."

Staff were treated to a Christmas meal at the Gold Cup at Low Catton last Thursday night.

Had Charles Dickens written A Christmas Carol this week he certainly would have had miser Ebenezer Scrooge shouting from his window on Christmas morn after the accusing spirits had departed: "Boy, take the largest Radio Times you can find round to Bob Cratchit's as fast as you can."

u YORK'S Viking status is now embedded in Danish culture. This year, Copenhagen's popular Crazy Christmas Cabaret presents Bent The Gladiator.

The hero is proud to come from York, another Viking city.

"Mah name's Bent Hur," he bellows, "but you can call me Bent."

Playing to 40,00 Danes this English language mixture of pantomime and Carry On The Christmas Show is presented by the Danish-based Vivienne McKee's London Toast Theatre and has been running for 20 years.

It's nice to see a Yorkie on the rampage in the land of the Vikings with big weapons.

u IT could only happen in Blair's Britain... where the Government's proposal to increase rail use is to cut the number of trains.

u NICE seasonal touch by Craig and Joanne of The Five Lions in Walmgate, York, who have splashed out on 1,000 customised Christmas beer mats.

"Most of the miserable bar stewards in the city are too mean to buy them, they would rather stick to the freebies given out by beer and lager suppliers," he said, grinning wickedly.

Does this mean The Five Lions could become a no-fly zone for the Licensed Vultures?

I await the fall-out...

Updated: 10:03 Saturday, December 21, 2002