NO, I haven't got mirrored wardrobe doors. Nor do I have a paved patio with built-in barbecue or a conservatory. However, I do have fitted carpets and a bathroom suite which, I hate to admit, is not white.

All the above are now seen as naff by style gurus as, it seems, are a million and one other things, from shower units (help, I've got one of those as well) to Lino flooring, to aluminium patio doors.

These fixtures have all been consigned to the style scrapheap. In their place come the likes of laminate flooring, outdoor heaters and - the latest look for bathrooms - a totally tiled, sealed and splash-proof wetroom with under-tile heating and pump jets at varying levels in your shower.

Will the likes of Laurence Llewelyn Bowen ever stop lecturing us on what our home SHOULD look like, giving us inferiority complexes and sending us in droves to B&Q on what should be restful Bank Holiday weekends?

After all, what they themselves were raving about last year is, apparently, well on its way to becoming pass. Garden decking looks set to be next on the list of what not to have in your home.

Thankfully, despite the many garden makeover shows that tried to convince viewers to instal it, I didn't. To my mind, decking is for yachts.

I'd rather the postage-stamp size bit of mud/grass that somehow passes for our garden than a dozen or so planks.

As for those outdoor heaters that are very much in vogue - the closest thing I've seen to them are the lamps used to keep chickens warm in those horrible intensive farms.

What's in, what's out. It would cost a small fortune to keep up. Fitted kitchens are, apparently, out in favour of standalone units. I bet it isn't long before that situation is reversed.

Roll-top baths, which until recently everyone clamoured for, are on their way out. I've always been embarrassed by our corner bath but now, after years in the decor doldrums, they are much sought-after.

And what's the betting that, before long, carpets will be back. I'm hanging on to our shag pile for that very moment.

As for the tiled, sealed and delivered bathroom. In the late 1970s while still at school, I visited a friend whose parents had built a bungalow from scratch.

The bathroom was one of those fully-tiled affairs, with an under-floor heater that blew hot air from a series of slats, eliminating the need for towels. (It was obviously ahead of its time).

Standing over one of these vents after a shower - that was so powerful it took my skin off - I felt like Marilyn Monroe in that gusty street-vent photograph, only without the clothes.

I remember it to this day and it wasn't pleasant. I felt exposed as well as stupid, and I was frantic that someone would burst in and I would be standing there...

Give me a pathetic, dribbling shower like ours and a big fluffy towel any day.

I'm tired of being told how to furnish my home. In fact, I'm sick of so-called 'style' programmes.

I haven't dared watch What Not To Wear because I know that my entire wardrobe would be consigned to the charity shop.

It's the same with these home make-overs. My advice is to stick to what YOU like, not what you are told you SHOULD like.

If you like mirrored wardrobe doors then go for it. And if you really feel like rebelling, get yourself an avocado bathroom suite.

Updated: 12:19 Monday, January 20, 2003