OFFICIAL: going to the doctor can age you. Well, it did in the case of sprightly pensioner Joyce Humpleby. She was at the quacks for a routine check-up and was bubbling with excitement as she told him she was having a party at the Waggon And Horses, Lawrence Street, York, with sausagerolls, sarnies, peanuts-on-sticks and various assorted nibbles - and all her friends would be there on Monday night.

She told the sawbones the bash was to celebrate her 79th birthday and she couldn't wait. Looking at her medical records the doctor burst her balloon when he told her: "But you won't be 79, Joyce, you will be 80."

The former laundry and careworker couldn't care less and determined that nothing will rain on her parade.

Landlady Geri Walton wasn't too pleased, though. She had laboriously hand-written 50 individual invitations to Joyce's "79th birthday"... then had to do it all again and change it to "80th".

Happy birthday, Joyce, however old you are.

NEWLY-ENGAGED holiday-makers Jennifer Mason and Douglas Thompson returned to York to find their home plastered in graffiti - from neighbours wishing them well.

Jennifer, 31, flew back from a romantic break in the Scilly Isles to find a For Sale sign in her garden reading: "For sale - subject to marriage contract. Mr Thompson is under new management."

Jennifer's boyfriend Douglas, 25, whisked her away by helicopter last weekend, took her to a beach, got down on one knee and proposed on the stroke of midnight. But she returned to her home in Abbey Street, Clifton, to another surprise.

She told me: "I was standing in the street with all my suitcases and saw the house covered in balloons, bunting and banners. I turned around and all my neighbours were standing giggling behind their cars. Then out came the champers."

The pair, who have been together for two years, first met while working at GNER.

They will move out of their own homes and buy a house together. Now, they are aiming for a summer wedding.

Jennifer says: "I'm so thrilled. It was a lovely surprise and a great welcome home."

YOU may be forgiven for thinking the outbreak of a shooting war, involving British troops, would be a matter of interest, even worry, to most people in this country.

But not to one woman who called the Evening Press and spoke to a bemused newsdesk operative.

She launched into an anti-war barrage. She had seen all too much of the war in Iraq on the screen of her new £800 television. She wanted to complain about the many pictures and reports of the conflict which she had been forced to endure.

She had raised the matter with the TV licensing people, and wanted to know how many other complaints the Evening Press had received on the issue.

The Press man replied that she was the first, to her considerable surprise.

"If we'd had all this in the Second World War, we would never have won it," she said, before heading off to pen a letter to the paper.

War is hell when you can't find the "off" button on your remote control zapper...

THE shopkeeper at the Spar in Holgate Road, York, stood back in shock and awe when a teenager plonked a soft porn magazine on the counter.

"I'm sorry but you have to be over 18 to buy that," she told him.

"But I've been told it's a really good one," he answered. "I like what's in it."

"I don't care what you like, you can't have it."

At this point she spotted the lad's two friends filming her reaction from the door of the shop with a camcorder.

He ran out laughing.

"I couldn't believe the cheek of it," she told me.

A shocking case of shelf-abuse, methinks.

There's a sign at the salad bar in Malton Safeway which reads along the lines of: "For legal reasons customers must purchase at least two types of salad."

Why? Which law says you can have pasta but you've got to have tomatoes too, or what Act specifies the legal requirement to buy rice salad and some cucumber to go with it?

My legal eagles have swooped on this one. I'll let you know the outcome when they have finished their mixed salad.

Oh, the joys of national shop chains and their inflexible systems. A pal of mine wanted to buy a book at WH Smith's Coney Street branch. The only copy was faulty, with some of the pages being in the wrong order.

So she took it to the cash desk and asked if they had another. No, but they offered to order a replacement, to arrive within five days.

Nothing wrong with that, except they insisted on full payment there and then. Otherwise, it would take weeks for the faulty copy to go back through the process of being declared faulty, and a new copy ordered, etc.

She demurred at handing over £13 without seeing the condition of the new book for herself. But they still wanted to sell her the faulty book... at full price.

Eventually, she left the shop, 13 pounds lighter, without the book for at least five days and distinctly unhappy.

She is now waiting for her "good" book, The Lonely Planet - The Czech And Slovak Republics, to arrive in pristine condition.

What happened to keeping the customer satisfied?

So York really could become the Ascot Of The North as race managers look for an alternative venue while the Berkshire course undergoes a £180 million facelift.

But Isabell Kristensen, fashion designer to the gentry and Ladies' Day regular, believes the temporary move to Yorkshire could cause big sartorial problems.

She is quoted as saying: "Ascot is ideal because it is near London and people can pick up their outfits in the morning before they go. But if it is in York, and you want to attend for three days, then you will have to take three sets of clothes - three hats, three dresses, three bags, three pairs of shoes; it would be exhausting."

Woe and thrice woe. We have got shops up here, you know. We kicked woad into touch a few years ago, Isabell.

Updated: 13:01 Saturday, March 29, 2003