PHYSICAL and mental health aside, there is only one thing worse than having something go wrong with your car - having something go wrong with your house.

Rising damp, dry rot, wet rot, leaking roofs, burst pipes, dodgy guttering, peeling paintwork. Your pulse rate starts to pound even before the quotes come in.

Who do you ring?

Small ads seem a good idea, but you can't help thinking of all those dreadful TV documentaries exposing cowboy after cowboy - builders, roofers, plumbers, pulling out a loose wire and claiming there are major problems.

So you ask around and go on recommendation. This turns out to be harder than you think - people fail to mention that their sister's fantastically-cheap loft conversion was done in 1974 or that the amazingly-talented roofer may be amazingly talented but he never rings you back!

Which brings me to the next problem - response time.

Some companies take this seriously. Certain burger chains state that you should not wait for more than a few minutes to be served and in some supermarkets there should be no more than two shoppers ahead of you at the checkout.

Yet ring a roofer, leave a message and you can guarantee he (assuming he is male) will not only fail to ring you back that day, but the next day too. And the next.

Roofers never ring back. Not ever. I haven't quite got to grips about why this happens, other than it being something to do with the vast number of people having their roofs replaced using local authority grants - for which, sadly, I am ineligible.

Builders are as bad. I always get the feeling that unless you're proposing to convert a former textile mill into luxury apartments, they are not interested.

Other trades fare better on the ring-back front. Plumbers, decorators, joiners (we seem to need all these people on a regular basis) at least return your call.

First hurdle over with, you quickly face the second: the quote. If this is preceded by a sharp intake of breath, you're in trouble. And they vary so much, you're left baffled. We had one quote of almost £2,000 for a kitchen worktop which ended up costing a tenth of that.

Even when you've settled on a firm, the stress continues.

Will they be up to scratch? Do you take days off work to make sure it is and check how long it took?

Otherwise, you may have to fight claims that it took seven men three whole days at £95-an-hour to re-point your chimney.

It's a nightmare.

Because of past experiences, we have spent years plucking up courage to get the house painted. But, with the window frames starting to rot, urgent action was needed. A neighbour recommended a firm. They returned my call, they quoted (very reasonable it was too) they came, worked hard for two days and left.

We are thrilled with the result. My only concern was how many cups of tea I should make them.

Now there's only the roof, gutters, back gate, dormer window and fence to worry about.

Updated: 10:34 Monday, June 30, 2003