A BOOK called Punch Lines amused delegates at the Labour Party conference. It was a compilation of some of John Prescott's more memorable speeches.

Apparently, he once said: "My position is that I want to make our position clear: the example of Germany is just one example, for example." And: "For the first time in 50 years, bus passenger numbers have risen to their highest level ever."

In another moment of clarity, he said: "I met the Nigerian leader, er. The Nigerian leader, and he said that when he pulls the levers nothing happens, so we need a better form of governess. A governess is something we ought to be talking about."

According to the book once, when making a short TV film at King's Cross station, a man reeled past waving a can of cider, complimenting "comrade" Prescott on his nice silk tie.

Mr Prescott allegedly responded: "If you don't get out of this shot, I'll stick one on your chin."

Of course he later did just that, thumping egg-throwing protester Craig Evans during the 2001 General Election campaign.

The book, coupled with delegates own special memories of meeting the Deputy Prime Minister, made him the star attraction at the Yorkshire drinks reception.

(I once tried to have a conversation with him about a place called Ollerton, in Nottinghamshire. He was standing in Ollerton at the time, but kept giving me answers about Owlerton, in South Yorkshire. I kept saying "No, Ollerton" and he kept giving me the same answer. He eventually patted me on the head and said: "Never mind, son".)

He lived up to the billing, bringing a slice of Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights to Bournemouth. Impersonating a stand-up comedian in a northern working men's club, he stopped short of using the line..."My mother-in-law, she so fat..." But only just.

We did, however, get gags about his wife Pauline, who attended the reception with him.

The last time Labour was in Bournemouth, he was savaged for driving the 100 yards from Marriot Hotel to the conference centre - to deliver a speech on the environment.

He explained it as follows: "It's a great conference, this. Last time I was with the wife and made all the publicity because of her hair blowing in the bloody wind."

The translation was that she had wanted to travel in the car to protect her hairstyle.

He also addressed the future of the party: "I've got a cut on the side of my neck. Nothing to do with the leadership fight. It's only a joke."

Hecklers presented no problem. Half way through a story about liking custard pies, someone made a remark about his bulk.

He replied: "It is nice for someone to say I'm losing weight, but it's a bigger suit."

At the end of the performance, he signed off with a phrase worthy of the best pub entertainer.

"Right, can I have a drink now."

After such a magnificent performance, the rest of the week felt a bit flat.

But the person in charge of the PA before Tony Blair's big speech tried his best to follow Mr Prescott.

He or she went for JXL's reworking of Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation".

The next line is "...a little more action, please."

The music for his entrance to the leader's Northern reception will have been much more to his liking.

They played theme from Shaft.

Updated: 11:10 Friday, October 03, 2003