CAPTAIN Cook was born there but, unaccountably, did not stay. Perhaps the great explorer journeyed to the ends of the earth not so much to discover new lands as to find somewhere that could hold a candle to beautiful downtown Middlesbrough.

I am not sure if Cook ever clapped eyes on Dubai; if he had, how could he have failed to spot a natural twin town in the making?

For whatever reason, it has fallen to Middlesbrough's second most famous son to state the obvious.

Ray Mallon (that's Robocop to you and me) has reportedly jetted off, economy class, naturally, to check how the Middle Eastern city has transformed itself from diminutive fishing village to glitzy international tourist trap.

As mayor of Middlesbrough, the former leading Cleveland policeman is said to have described parts of his home turf as "a desert, ripe for development", and is apparently planning to transform the bleak landscape around the Riverside Stadium into a designer town, crammed with luxury apartments, swanky shops, restaurants, bars and offices.

Curiously, he does not yet seem to have been asked where he plans to put the beach; presumably that detail has been left until after he alters the course of the sun across the heavens.

Perhaps there's a thing or two Mr Mallon could teach our city fathers. After the farrago that was Coppergate II, we could do with a bold vision of the future to transform our own bit of barren wasteland.

Dubai, has already been bagged as an inspiration, so we need to look elsewhere for a model of what York could be in years to come. Wouldn't Las Vegas be a natural choice?

People have long complained that York is short of a casino, and there's plenty of space around the Eye of York. We could extend Clifford's Tower and build the casino around it on a medieval castle theme. Much smarter than, say, a pyramid, and more in keeping with our historic past. And if we run out of building materials, we could always kill two birds with one stone by knocking down Walmgate Bar.

Reclaiming the blocks would be environmentally friendly, and we would also be ridding the city of a major hazard to heavy goods vehicles trying to get in and out of town.

Without Walls, indeed.

Once we built The Castle Casino, we could borrow some jousters from that war museum in Leeds to tilt at one another outside.

We could even sign up Eddie Vee to perform at The Castle's opening night, so that once more it could be said that Elvis was in the building.

How about it, Councillor Galloway?

TIM Henman is presumably looking forward with unalloyed joy to receiving a gong in the Queen's New Year Honours List.

I am sure the fact that he's being included to 'add interest' (so help us) will in no way take the gilt off the gingerbread for him.

He may have cause for a little wry reflection that an OBE isn't exactly the trophy he'd most like to receive from a member of the royal family.

But if he should be brooding, the responsibility of being interesting weighing heavy on his shoulders, I don't think he need lose too much sleep.

We won't be expecting fireworks from Tiger Tim; we'll all be far too busy scrutinising the royal countenance for any tell-tale scarring.

Updated: 10:13 Wednesday, December 17, 2003