SPAM, spam, spam, spam... former City of York councillor Nick Blitz bombarded the Evening Press with emails of his exciting adventures Down Under.

Sometimes three a day arrived, complete with pictures, and they were enthralling - hundreds of words about a visit to a seafood restaurant, describing each prawn, rock oyster and squid ring in loving detail. Oh, and a picture of the meal in question.

Then he sent us the picture, left, of himself taken after some rugby match out there. We felt the need to share it with you. In a state like that, let's hope he doesn't even admit he's English, let alone from York.

THE answer-phone message you record says a lot about you. Is yours musical, jokey, simple, rambling, unintelligible, in Serbo Croat?

Try this one, encountered when a colleague contacted a new business in York.

"We can't be arsed to answer the phone. Leave a message and we'll phone you back when we can be bothered."

There's a firm which has a sound customer care policy.

NOW to those "Dr" Keith Davis jokes we promised. They come courtesy of Heworth wag Paul Willey, and suggest that the appeal of our man with the megaphone, who turns up at every York gathering from anti-war rallies to anti-Shoppergate protests to Auntie Doreen's knitting bee, may be waning.

"Spotted in the caf at City Screen the other day," writes Paul, "a certain ex-prolific Evening Press letter writer Dr Keith Davis jumping up and down with joy. He had finally finished a 1,000-piece jigsaw after three weeks.

"When asked why he was so joyous he replied, 'It says three-to-four years on the box!'"

Or how about this... "Poor old Dr Davis... one of his friends told me that they hate having him round for dinner parties during a storm. When it starts lightning he runs outside because he thinks the Press are taking his photo."

There are more where that came from, as we ask: is there any bandwagon on to which the good "doctor" will not jump?

WE are the first to admit that the above are not the most original gags. They may even make it into next year's Christmas crackers.

Talking of which, we're keen to share your favourite cracker jokes from last week.

Here are two that had us chuckling over the sprouts:

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie-talkie.

What athlete is the warmest in winter? A long jumper.

A FRIEND who lost her credit card not once but twice felt foolish when she had the one-in-a-million coincidence of speaking to the same person in the call centre.

"Don't worry," said the obliging lady. "I've just had a customer on to say she had got her stolen credit card back very quickly. The thief got hungry and used it to order a takeaway meal to his home address.

"Instead of a pizza, the police turned up."

COLLEAGUE and music buff John Wheatcroft has been pondering the art of naming your rock band. "As Duck Sick, and Sick On The Bus are two 'bands' now doing gigs around here," he says, "perhaps they should join forces to form one true supergroup, called Chunder Wonder."

As he's at a loose end and all, perhaps former Shed Seven singer Rick Witter could front?

WORRIED you are overdoing it this festive season? Piling on the flab? Fearful of turning into a Nick Blitz tribute act?

Don't fret. The Diary is lining up our very own Mr Motivator to get you into shape. Meanwhile, if you have made an unusual New Year's resolution - or have a suggestion of a resolution for someone else - get in touch.

Updated: 09:15 Monday, December 29, 2003