Down at the dog warden service, a telephone is ringing.

Receptionist: Hello, canine control operatives, in what may we be of service to you today?

Caller (tearful): Oh, hello dear, I really hope you can help me... you see, I'm afraid I've lost my dog. I haven't seen him since I let him out on Christmas Eve and I'm going frantic with worry. It's the first time I've let him run off the lead and I was sure he would be all right, but...

Receptionist: Now, now, darlin', try and calm down. We'll do our very best to help. First things first, there's a form to fill in, so I need a few details from you. Right, what sort of a dog is he?

Caller: He's a beagle....

Receptionist (sucks teeth knowingly): Ah, well now. It begins to make sense.

You see, I don't know what you know about the breed, but your average beagle, well, he's meant to be a bit... well, he's not the sharpest tool in the box, I'm afraid.

Caller: Now look here, that stuff about the breed is rubbish, and in any case, my dog is one of the most intelligent creatures you are ever likely to meet.

He was specially bred to be bright and he cost me a packet, so spare me the lecture and just tell me if you have any sightings, or any dogs similiar to him in your kennels.

Receptionist: Ooh, sorry I spoke! There's no need to be touchy, it's a known fact beagles don't come when they're called.

They get carried away by the hunt, see. Just following their noses all the time.

No, love, we've none here, but then I've gotta tell you, I wouldn't expect it. I can't believe you didn't know about beagles if you spent so much on him.

See, it even says on a website about them, you should never let them off the lead, because their noses are sure to get them into trouble.

You can't speak plainer than that, now can you? What was he doing? Looking for rabbits, I 'spect.

Caller: Well, he was on a bit of a mission.... and actually, if he found some rabbits, I can't tell you what sort of stunning news that would be.

Receptionist: Really? Can't think why. Terrible pests, rabbits. D'you know, they've wiped out all sorts of indigenous life forms wherever they have been introduced.

Universal menace, that's what I say.

Caller: Look, I'm fascinated by your insights into the survival of the fittest, but do you think we could get back to the point of this?

Will I ever get my dog back, that's what I want to know?

Receptionist: Well, I can't promise anything but I'll put your details on file and if anything should turn up we will be sure to call you and let you know. Though I've got to say, after a week I think you would be best looking at getting another animal.

But if you want my opinion for what it's worth, in all honesty, you don't want to be getting another beagle.

Caller: You don't say. Well, you're obviously an experienced hand with dogs, so what do you recommend? Something more like a lapdog? A Peke, perhaps?

Receptionist: Nah... horrible yappy things.

Why don't you have a look around our kennels, we have got some really lovely dogs.

Some strays, some whose owners can't keep 'em for whatever reason. We've just got a nice bull terrier, for example.

Came from a good home, but you really would have to keep her on a leash.

Bit snappy, by all accounts. Name of Dotty.

Updated: 10:39 Wednesday, December 31, 2003