CHOOSING the name of a pop group is not so easy as you might think. The Word magazine this month has a feature of the best and worst band names.

Two local acts are condemned. The Seahorses, formerly fronted by York singer Chris Helme, is considered an "unforgivably dull" title. And Shed Seven is lumped together with Five Star and S Club 7 under the category "Some Numbers Are Bad".

Hmmm, time for a Diary top five, we think.

Top Five Worst Local Band Names

1 Duck Sick No marks for chunder. No wonder

2 Audiogasm Aural sex? No thanks

3 History Will Call Us It didn't

4 Johnson House Sounds like the HQ of an insurance firm (but they are playing tonight at City Screen)

5 Losing Streak They were 40-1 outsiders in this year's Battle of the Bands and lost in the first round. At least they are true to their name.

Mind you, unfortunate band names aren't a new phenomenon. Look at the bands around York in the Sixties: Cucumber (not so cool...)' Faintly Blowing ("let's rock"); Innominates (you what?); and Squelch (well, they were from Scarborough).

RIGHT. Let's get this straight.

If a toe-rag is vandalising your neighbourhood and you dial the police, they may not respond.

If the police do turn up, the toe-rag will be long gone.

If they do arrive in time, they might give the toe-rag a ticking off.

If they do arrest and charge the toe-rag, the Crown Prosecution Service might not take the case to court.

If the case does go to court and the toe-rag is convicted, he will be given a community order and his identity will be protected.

If he goes on breaking the law, he will be given one last chance and a stiffer community order.

If he still goes on breaking the law, he will be given one final last chance and an even stiffer community order.

If he persists in breaking the law because he loves it, he will be sent to a holiday camp, also known as Wetherby Young-Persons-Appropriate Secure Flying Circus.

Well, that'll learn 'im.

THINGS got a little heated in York's budget debate the other night, the Diary learns. Labour's resources spokesman Dave Evans accused Liberal Democrat deputy leader Andrew Waller of talking "bulls*** if ever I have heard it," during one Wildean exchange.

Coun Waller immediately asked Coun Evans to withdraw the remark, which he agreed to do. The Lord Mayor of York, Charles Hall, stepped in. "That is not appropriate language for this chamber," he said.

Later Coun Evans said: "It was the first time I have been told off by the Lord Mayor. Perhaps it was partly a reflection the meeting went on for over five hours."

Five hours of bulls***? No wonder he was angry.

EVENING Press cartoonist Wolf - aka Richard Stansfield - is not only an artist but a talented photographer too. Richard gave an illustrated talk on the History of Photography to the Welburn History Group last week.

Just before he began, all his slides crashed to the floor. Richard had no choice but to put the slides back in the projector in the order he found them.

Happily all goes well until he announced: "And the next picture should be of Alfred, Lord Tennyson."

Clicking the switch, an image appears. But not of the celebrated poet who wrote Charge Of The Light Brigade. Instead it is a male streaker being arrested at a 1978 rugby match.

Comes a voice from the back of the hall: "His lordship certainly got about a bit."

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 09:44 Thursday, February 26, 2004