Memorandum - From: Leisure Services Supremo Notinyork City Council; To: Pool Superintendent, Serendipity Public Baths

Derek, old lad, allow me to draw your attention the accompanying press cutting which discloses Blackburn Council's decision to ban backstroke from its swimming baths because of the danger of a blind mid-pool collision.

I must say I thoroughly enjoyed learning to swim on my back with one of those squeaky polystyrene float things. Most relaxing, and I never banged into anything, though of course that could have been down to the watchful eyes of my PT mistress, Miss Whatmough.

Lovely girl, Miss Whatmough... but that's not the point. I never thought there could be a health and safety issue surrounding the use of the backstroke, but when I showed this article to our accountant and solicitor, they both went a bit pale and started muttering about contingency funds and public liability insurance.

Come to think of it, you know, health and safety's not the only problem here. Could be a bit of an Equal Opportunities poser, what with everyone being supposed to have the same right to peaceful enjoyment of this, that and the other.

You can't exactly unwind if you have to watch out for flailing arms and legs as you do your 30 lengths. And if backstroke's a problem, what about crawl and butterfly strokes?

I would ban any clever clogs who has mastered either of those, but that could be personal prejudice, because I never managed to conquer the breathing techniques myself. But those so-called expert swimmers... they're always so smug about it as they grind their way up and down their lane.

Quite apart from invading your lane, and gouging holes in your calves with their overgrown toenails, they create such a wake that they completely swamp all those dear old ladies struggling to keep their shampoo and set intact as they try to ward off osteoporosis.

If we can't get them on health and safety, can't we do them for offensive swimwear? Those nasty little tight trunks are bad enough, but it's their goggles that always put the wind up me - they're like something out of The Fly, and I can't help but feel they're a bit of an affectation.

After all, I have yet to find a Duncan Goodhew emerging from the poolside at Serendipity Baths.

Anyone else we can ban? Well, obviously, teenage lads who conduct bombing manoeuvres from the springboard on their mates; and how about those women who huddle together hanging on to the tiling at the shallow end? Always gawping as you lower your less-than-perfect body into the water, then staying put and gossiping for hours afterwards, preventing you from properly completing a length.

That one particularly annoys me because of the old obsessive/compulsive streak. I have achieved my goal of swimming a mile in a session but I can't stop myself from deducting a yard from every other length, which takes the gilt off the gingerbread.

And another thing. How about putting a stop to everyone who insists on completely stripping off to shower? Most off-putting, especially in a communal setting.

After all that, is there anybody left that we can accept in the pool? It looks rather like it's just you and me. Oh, and the sixth-formers from the girls' school. Let me know your thoughts.

Regards and all that,

Jim

Updated: 11:59 Wednesday, March 24, 2004