LAST week we promised more firefighting fun, courtesy of retired York fireman Phil Wade.

Phil, who rose through the ranks to become area commander for Selby and Tadcaster, has been followed into the brigade by his son Paul, who now works from Acomb fire station.

You need a sense of humour to survive such a stressful job. With this in mind, Phil loaned the Diary a form York firefighters used to give out to wind up their colleagues in the police after any major incident.

And here it is. Delete as applicable...

Police Fire Report

At.... hours I was proceeding in a northerly/easterly/westerly/southerly direction along.... street when I saw flames/smoke coming from a basement/first floor/second floor/third floor window, and climbed the stairs, but was beaten back by heat/overcome by smoke/bitten by a dog/thrown down again by the occupants.

I then went outside and climbed five/30/50/70 feet up a builder's ladder/a drainpipe/the telephone wire/the ivy and rescued three/five/eight/ten people from a raging inferno/death-trap/smoke-filled hell/certain death, after which I was overcome by the fumes/exhausted/in need of a fag/mugged by the victim.

I then crawled back into the house of death/choking smoke/flaming abyss/Dante's inferno just once more, to ascertain that all the people were out/the fire was not spreading/the TV licence was in order/no burglars were around.

Just then the fire brigade arrived late/after what seemed like a lifetime/too late/far too late and they helped me down/put the rest of the fire out/searched for clues/broke all the windows.

I made a statement and my photograph was taken and it appeared in The Guardian/The Sun/Socialist Worker. I would like the George Cross/British Empire Medal/Crux De Guerre/inspector's job.

Date.... Signed....

IF any police officer has an item they would like to share about our firefighters, please get in touch.

YORK cyclist Paul Hepworth is concerned by Cynthia Berry's suggestion that he and Mike Usherwood are at loggerheads (Letters, July 8).

"Some years ago, Mike spectacularly crashed his light aircraft, but fortunately survived," emails Paul. "I persuaded seven local cyclists, who were on an evening ride with me, to sign a get well card for him.

"Subsequently, I received a kind response from Mike, during his convalescence. He concluded with the words 'now I know how many sensible cyclists there are in York!'

"I have yet to crash my bike, but I'm sure that if I did, Mike would be similarly concerned for my recovery!"

FURTHER to the piece yesterday about the war hero pigeons, the Diary came across a story from earlier in the year on the same theme.

"Britain's Cold War spymasters secretly discussed plans to train flocks of homing pigeons to attack enemy targets with tiny but deadly biological weapons," it began.

Apparently the scheme for feathered suicide bombers was seriously considered by foreign spy body MI6, but dismissed by its domestic equivalent MI5.

The genius behind the scheme, Wing Commander WDL Rayner, was impressed by experiments that proved homing pigeons could be diverted to a place with the same electro-magnetic properties as their real home

Unfortunately, the Wing Commander's plans for a large experimental military pigeon loft with 400 birds to test his idea were shelved after arguments over who should pay.

As the pigeons say, coo.

WELL done to the Daily Telegraph obituarist who wrote that when Lord Esher came to York he "soon won over important allies, including the Yorkshire Evening Post".

Right sentiment, wrong paper.

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN.

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 09:25 Tuesday, July 13, 2004