WE GET crazy communications from the world and his dog on a daily basis - it's part of the fun of working in a newspaper office.

But now that the worldwide web has opened up instant, global access, they are coming thick and fast and ever more weird.

The Evening Press website, www.thisisyork.co.uk, is a powerful magnet for oddballs the world over and these are just a small selection to tickle your fancy:

This one was in an email that came to the Expats section of our website recently and must take the biscuit:

"Message: Looking for Andrew *=*+. Was in a relationship with him for several years until one day he decided he was in love with a man and left me, never to speak to me again.

"However, two months after he left, I discovered I was pregnant. He now has two lovely twin daughters a few months old.

"I also have a mortgage to pay on my own and huge credit card debts. Can you help me find him?"

Here's an indication of what people are really looking for when they visit our lovely city:

"Although I don't live in York (visiting shortly), I found the website very informative for many different age groups and queries, but I do still have a question which I can't get any help with...are there any lap-dancing clubs in York?

"If you can, please help."

And this one landed only yesterday:

"We would like to visit York for one day but we would have to bring our very well-behaved dog. Is it possible for both ourselves and the dog to have an interesting day? What would be our opportunities? Please advise."

Well, we don't know about you madam, but your creature could have all sorts of animal magic.

If he could wait around until late afternoon when the postmen and women start their rounds, he could indulge in a bit of bottom biting.

If your pooch has a keen nose, he could tag on to a drugs raid and help the local plod sniff out a few samples; or you could take him along to York Minster and see how much they charge for canines.

Perhaps it's free for anyone wearing a dog collar.

If things are getting tiresome, pep up the day by taking Fido on to the bar walls, throw a stick and shout "fetch!"

Perhaps readers of The Diary have their own ideas of how to spend a fun day in York with a dog.

We should love to hear from you.

SEVERAL young women are trying to track down the phantom bottom pincher who had obviously had a good day at the races and found a novel way of cutting through the packed Reflex bar in George Hudson Street.

His style was far more effective than an "excuse me" as he cut a swathe through the wall-to-wall drinkers.

And by the time the Mexican wave of affronted women had discovered the culprit, he had made his escape.

His victims say they would like to thank him with a swing of heavily-loaded handbags.

Euphemistically speaking, the verbal utterances of post Millennium homo sapien fail to equate to non-meandering communication and inevitably borders on obscure verbosity.

Which roughly translates to why can't people say it as it is, these days?

A York museum curator, discussing a matter with his colleagues this week, baffled them with the phrase: "I think this is an inevitability that we should certainly look to predict."

Now that is real, proper forward, forward thinking. Which reminds us of a council officer's report some time ago which asked for funding for "solar gain preventative measures."

Sun blinds, of course

Write to: The Diary, Chris Titley, The Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN

Email diary@ycp.co.uk

Telephone (01904) 653051 ext 337

Updated: 11:23 Friday, August 20, 2004