LOTS of promises to crack crime by politicians at their party conferences.

Both the Labour and Tory leaders offered action plans to tackle the yobs, and so a Diary contribution from Kenneth Bowker was perfectly timed.

"During my latter years in the Metropolitan Police in London between 1957-82, I served in the juvenile bureau," he writes from his home in Huntington.

"During this period, we were subjected to many reasons, explanations, excuses and the like by juvenile offenders and their parents for them having come to notice for various offences they had committed.

"We collated this information and gave our own version on 'How To Make A Child Into A Delinquent'."

So without further ado, here is Kenneth's 12-point plan for turning a little angel bad...

1 Begin at infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living

2 When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he's cute

3 Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he's 21 and then let him decide for himself

4 Avoid the use of the word "wrong". It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe that when he is arrested for stealing, society is against him and he is being persecuted

5 Pick up everything he leaves lying around: books, shoes, clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others

6 Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and glasses are sterilised but let his mind feast on garbage

7 Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be shocked when the home is broken up later

8 Give a child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as tough as you had them?

9 Satisfy his craving for food, drink and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration

10 Take his part against neighbours, teachers, policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child

11 When he gets into real trouble, apologise for yourself by saying 'I never could do anything with him'

12 Prepare for a life of grief. You will be likely to have it.

INTERESTING news from windswept Southend-on-Sea. The chief executive of the resort's borough council has just quit with the words: "The best fish and chips in the world are in Whitby, and the best beer in the world is a pint of draught Tetley in any pub in York."

George Krawiec went on to provoke more fury by describing Southend fish and chips as "rubbish". He also said: "I'm a professional Yorkshireman. I came down here to do missionary work and now I'm going back."

George is actually going to North East Lincolnshire, to be boss of the council there. Residents in that borough's heartland, Grimsby and Cleethorpes, are unlikely to be impressed with his judgement that Whitby fish and chips are the greatest.

His comment will worry those who believe that mobile, career-centred council officials often have little sympathy with the places they end up running.

Incidentally, George is wrong on the chippie. According to the local heats of the National Fish & Chip Shop of the Year Competition, the Original Nash's Fish Restaurant in Chapel Allerton is the best in all Yorkshire.

Updated: 08:50 Wednesday, October 06, 2004