SO, three months to go. Are you beyond excitement, busily choosing between the pill box with the peacock feathers or the fruity wide-brimmed number?

Or do you dread the arrival of Royal Ascot and its retinue of 1) chinless society toffs, 2) broon ale chugging Geordies, 3) Hitler-like parking wardens and 4) stereotyping newspaper columnists?

We at the Diary are all for fun, in small doses, and have nothing against racing. If small men enjoy whipping farm animals, who are we to stop them?

Your diarist has even been known to place a bet - although not, hilariously enough, on namesake Jason Titley when his large brown horse ran past a lot of other brown horses to win the Grand National ten years ago.

Nevertheless, we do feel somewhat excluded from the whole Ascot shebang. It is all right for all you fervent royalists out there. This could be the most regal thing to hit York since Prince Rupert's cannonballs.

If she can get through the traffic, Brenda herself could be carted around Knavesmire in the royal procession. Her Majesty and Prince Philip may even be forced to share the carriage with Charles and his new missus, which should test those rictus royal smiles. But, if the monarchists are happily buffing their bunting in preparation for June 14, what are those of us less keen on the whole feudal system supposed to do?

The Diary has thought of an answer. We must stage our own, complementary event. So today we announce the launch of Republican Ascot York. There is still much to do - all we have is the name, to be honest. So ideas are not only welcome, they are critical. Can anyone suggest suitable events and venues those of a non-royalist persuasion could enjoy? We welcome thoughts from flag wavers and republicans alike.

Who's with us?

STILL on the sport of kings, the Diary was interested to read in the Racing Post of a new event, the Gran National.

In the contest, organised by Totesport, grandmothers must race 100 metres with a hobby horse while hopping over jumps. Heats have been organised at racecourses in Bath, Doncaster, Hamilton and Warwick, but not at York.

Surely Royal Ascot is the time to change this.

Come to think of it, the Queen is Britain's most famous gran...

THE report of a pensioners' pride day (March 3) drew swift reaction from a York reader going by the name of Lottie.

"There is no pride in applying for State benefits I can assure you," she writes. And she includes this poem, Claimant, to make the point. Here is an extract:

I'm only here because

There's an ad in the national papers

That reads 'Pick it up, it's yours'.

I'm claiming Council Tax credit

But there is a price to pay;

Self esteem, stiff necked pride,

These must be 'put away'.

A NOTE arrives from Lilian of Copmanthorpe.

"It was good to hear it for Bill Haley, who was my rock'n'roll idol (Diary, March 2), Like Dennis Elmer, I too thought he was brilliant.

"I saw Bill Haley on my 16th birthday, Valentine's Day, at the Mecca Locarno in Leeds. All the girls signed a giant heart to present to him. Jimmy Savile was the DJ at the time. Memories!"

Updated: 09:37 Tuesday, March 15, 2005