Holiday rules

You have to take a holiday and live with the consequences: the trick is to extract the maximum enjoyment per pound in your pocket.

Having just returned from a week’s break, I humbly offer some tips garnered from my own, bitter experience, in the hope that others may conquer where I myself have failed:

Before departure

• Thou shalt embark on nil-by-mouth diet with immediate effect, so that if Ryanair implements threatened new Fat Tax, thou canst squeeze thy body into metal cage no doubt currently being devised for departure gate shaming of tubbies

• Thou shalt not spend all day combing internet reviews of thy chosen accommodation, ignoring every rave write-up, yet believing lone, whinging American who thinks all hotel rooms poky if far wall visible from door

• Thou shalt not spend all night combing internet weather sites in search of positive 15-day forecast for thy chosen resort, while researching possible options for switching holiday to less monsoon-hit area of globe

• Thou shalt seek out thy most pocket-laden coat in order to stow heavy/bulky items which might otherwise make thy cabin baggage fail draconian airline limits

• Thou shalt try not to expect foreign passengers to observe proper queuing protocols when waiting for non-priority boarding

At the resort

• Thou shalt not spend entire holiday belly-aching about strength of euro and consequent impact on cost of food/drink/transport

• (Men) Thou shalt not share with spouse thy thoughts on skimpy fashions of doe-eyed Mediterranean maidens with legs too long for body

(Men) Thou shalt especially not muse aloud on how women clearly ten years younger than spouse are too old to get away with aforementioned skimpy fashions

• (Women) Thou shalt strive not to take it personally if spouse fails to observe above two commandments

• (Women) Even if thou dost take it personally, thou shalt not up the ante by mentioning well-dressed local men with nice nails and lovely manners. Apart from anything else, spouse knows thou thinkest such men too short in first place

• (Both) Thou shalt ask thy B&B hosts the names of their children before the names of their donkeys/cats/dogs. Thou shalt strive not to mind when hosts’ offspring do not go to bed at decent hour and are generally heard as well as seen

• Thou shalt try new food instead of shoving it around on thy plate and complaining that it looks greasy

• Thou shalt switch off thy mobile phone. Thou shalt not buy English newspapers. Thou art on holiday, for Pete’s sake

• Above all, thou shalt not complain that it is too hot

On return

• Thou shalt accept that thou wilt not sleep the night before thou goest back to work and consequently will return feeling as wrecked as thou didst on last day before thy break

• Thou shalt not get snappy when colleagues ask if thou hast, in fact, been away, because thy skin is as lily-white as ever due to innate inability to tan

• Thou shalt brace thyself for minimum of 200 emails on office computer

• Thou shalt try not to moan at colleagues who send emails and expect thee to have acted on them whilst thou wast on leave

• Thou shalt try to leave it at least a week before starting to pine for next holiday