BRING back compulsory cookery lessons for schoolkids? I didn't even know they'd stopped.

Since I don't share a house with anyone of school age, I'd always assumed kids were still churning out the lethal drop scones and coconut ice that I used to have to make in class.

As a teenager, the nearest I got to rebellion was when I asked to do woodwork instead of housecraft at school.

I swathed my request in a cloak of feminist indignation, but all I really wanted was to escape the tyranny of being taught to make a succession of things I would never willingly eat.

If anything had changed since my glorious schooldays, I'd have guessed boys as well as girls had to share the misery in these days of sex equality.

But it seems at least one generation of lucky pupils has sailed through school without ever having to stitch a gingham apron or tackle an icing syringe.

Why did this hell ever stop? Well, you know, we're a more humane society these days.

Maybe it was because of all those school buses that were wrecked as we girls tried in vain to protect our biscuit tins full of disgusting puddings from gangs of marauding boys.

The lads weren't stupid enough to want to eat them. They just knew they'd be so rock-hard that, hurled with an expert eye, they could fell a prefect at 20 paces.

It seems cookery lessons are being brought back in an effort to combat childhood obesity, the theory being that if people know how to make their own healthy food, they won't need all those double grease-burgers with extra fries.

I know this much. If all they get to eat are coconut ice and rock cakes, they won't be putting on much weight.

Some people are opposed to bringing back housecraft, saying the school curriculum is already too congested and that in any case a lot of schools no longer have cookery classrooms.

Wouldn't it be better if we just got the kids to tune into Gordon Ramsay's TV cook-along classes? It'd get them off the street after 9pm and they'd get to cook something they might actually enjoy Furthermore, what with telly being so interactive nowadays, they might even text or email Gordon some swear words he doesn't already know.

I'm still not sure it would help combat obesity, though. Some of Gordon's food looks very moreish. A lot of kids would probably end up feeling as uncomfortable in their clothes as Jeremy Paxman does in his underpants.

Jeremy, as you probably know, has felt moved to complain to Marks & Spencer boss Stuart Rose about the shoddy cut of modern foundation-wear, claiming "widespread gusset anxiety" among his friends and acquaintances.

I myself feel anxious about underwear, principally younger people's pants, which I'd rather they kept to themselves.

One good thing about obesity is that big lads seem less keen to wear gor-blimey trousers: the ones whose crotch grazes the kneecap and whose seat falls down to expose almost a full moon of striped boxer short.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for young ladies, who do not seem to realise that hipsters and thongs are a less than elegant combination.

Instead of putting all those cookers back into classrooms, the authorities should install some full-length mirrors, so that the full horror could be brought home to those responsible.