"LOOK, why don't we just forget the whole thing?" I howled down the phone. "I'll just go back to paying for everything with cash and cheques, it's not worth all this."

The woman from the bank paused, then said: "That's entirely up to you, of course, Mr Hitchon. But you should be aware"

After she spelled out all the things I wouldn't be able to do if I followed my inclination to put the phone down and place my head in the freezer section of my fridge, I gave in.

Depressed and dispirited, I followed her instructions, which involved yet another phone call, and much tapping on my home computer. Finally, my bank security was re-established, and I could do what I had set out to do in the first place - order some groceries online.

I hadn't tried this until recently, when an injury made the traditional weekly shop rather impractical.

So I ventured into the brave new world of internet supermarket shopping, and seemed to get the hang of it fairly quickly. Then, one day, I went through all the procedures for ordering goods, and then found an extra security check had been added. All right, I selected yet another personal code, to add to the one I needed to start ordering online in the first place, and carried on.

That was fine, until I put what I thought was the correct code in for the extra security check - and a message came up on the screen, telling me it was wrong. However, if I phoned the number below, they would reset the code and all would be well.

So I called the number, which turned out to be my bank, and a woman told me I needed to contact the supermarket, because the problem was with its website. Not so, said the supermarket, the bank was refusing to accept the transaction, and I must phone it back.

I did, and spoke to a different woman, who was happy to reset my number so I could carry on shopping. But first she had to ask me a few questions.

The first ones related to the card I was using to buy the goods, so when she asked me for my "security number" I thought she meant one of the numbers on the card, and replied with that. No, she meant my security number for telephone banking. I vaguely remembered setting one up many moons before, but could not recall it immediately.

Oops. That meant I had to answer more questions so I could set up a new bank code, and after that I could reset my shopping security code (still with me?).

But to create a new bank code I had to key numbers in on a phone pad, and I was calling on a mobile so that didn't work. So I would have to start all over again That was when I cracked.

Yes, I know this is all intended to safeguard us from fraud. But consider the following.

These codes, whether they involve numbers, letters or symbols (and sometimes all three) are supposed to be personal, but not based on a combination which is easy to guess. You shouldn't use the same one every time, and you absolutely must not write them down.

So, I have to remember codes for getting into my workplace, getting on my computer so I can write this, and separate ones for using systems which are essential for day-to-day tasks.

Then there are the cards and PIN numbers for accessing my limited monetary resources, the code for getting on my email at home, the codes for internet shopping, my bank security code, and the entirely separate extra shopping code which started all the trouble.

How on earth are we supposed to remember them all?

They say Albert Einstein refused to commit facts to memory, arguing he needed his brain power for his work. That wouldn't cut much ice with my bank.

But that's life in 2007. These days we would miss out on the theory of relativity, but online shopping is a cinch. Sounds like a bargain to me.

  • MY THANKS to Mal Goodwin for his letter, which appeared in The Press yesterday, referring to my column of last Tuesday about adventure pursuits. I had in fact been told the circumstances of Ian Plant's death, in much the way Mr Goodwin explains them in his letter. However, I did not wish to go into detail, so I used a deliberately vague phrase, merely saying Mr Plant was "trapped underground". Mr Goodwin tells the story much more fully.