HAS everyone gone mad? Have they lost their marbles?

As if spending every Bank Holiday weekend in Ikea, driving with flags attached to the car whenever England is playing, and drinking ourselves to near-death every Friday and Saturday night, isn't proof enough - now we Brits are choosing to leave this green and pleasant land (all right a lot of it is grey and covered in litter) in their droves to move to Australia.

The continent tops the list of relocation destinations, according to a survey by a well-known removal firm, with 31 per cent of people choosing to emigrate there, while Australian cities make up the top three destinations to move to, with a further two coming in fifth and sixth.

Madness? I think so.

I could no more move down under than set up home at the bottom of an active volcano - which may, possibly, be cooler.

Ever since I was a little girl watching Skippy on the TV, I've had an aversion to Australia. I think it was all those strange sounds from the bush, like someone blowing across a milk bottle, then being strangled underwater, that did it. And everything was a sort of greeny yellow colour - just like it is now in Neighbours.

Cosmopolitan buzz, picturesque beauty, climate - all these are reasons put forward by people who have left the UK behind to settle in Oz.

I believe my own reasons for not wanting to go are far more sensible:

* The heat. Thanks to global warming, Britain is too warm for me now. I like a bit of variety, with four distinct seasons. I don't want to wake up to a warm, sunny day every day.

* Year-round barbecues. While I enjoy the odd one, I wouldn't know how to fend off the endless stream of invitations - which, being the popular girl that I am, I would obviously get - to beach and poolside barbies. There are only so many giant steaks and king-sized prawns you can eat, and somehow I can't see the Australians going a bundle on salads.

* The men. Far too macho - or they think they are. Probably because they're used to taking charge at the BBQ.

* Big spiders. "You get them under the toilet seats," piped up my youngest daughter, when I was airing these views at the weekend. I firmly believe you do, and I go to the loo an awful lot, so the probability of me finding one is fairly high.

* The houses. Are they made from cardboard or MDF? They don't look up to much on Home & Away or Neighbours.

* The greeny-yellow effect. Are there any strong colours in Australia, or is everything really as pea-coloured as it appears on the soaps. Maybe they don't have bulbs higher than 20watt.

* Sharks. Not the most friendly of fish, and a heck of a lot have Australian passports.

* The accent. Not as bad as Brummie but getting there.

* Being called Sheila even when you're not.

No matter how much people talk it up, I can't see the attraction of Australia. The only reason I would want to go at all would be to see the wildlife, and even then I would have to be absolutely guaranteed a cuddle with a koala before I set foot on the plane.

Some of our friends moved there only last year - I helped them pack, feeling like a hypocrite. Drowned by their enthusiasm, I managed not to mention any of the above.