I’ve been looking back through my last few columns, partly for inspiration, but also to make sure I don’t keep going over old ground.

This has made me realise that the topics I’ve covered have been pretty uniformly bleak since at least October, covering (in rough chronological order); road deaths in Britain, gun massacres in the USA, the decimation of the policing budget in the UK, the rush by politicians to support a war 3,000 miles away, flooding, a musician surviving a pair of near-fatal brain haemorrhages, the Grim Reaper's devastating cull of beloved figures in January and the unpleasant new trend of hipster grief.

So this month, for a bit of a change, I figured I'd go against what I'm reliably informed is a sure-fire way to gain readers (looking back at things, usually with rose-tinted glasses), and try my hand at looking forward to one of many possible futures instead.

Here then are a few predictions from The Press' own Nostradamus (or Nostra-Dan-us, if you will), which I've plucked out of thin air in an attempt to inject a little humour and light-hearted whimsy into what has become a far too serious column of late.

2016

It's going to be a big year for the UK, with a terrific turnout for the Police and Crime Commissioner elections (beating the turnout from last time shouldn’t be difficult: it will only need to be about 14 per cent), followed by the Brexit vote (which will probably see the country remain in the EU, but many more people vocally bitter about it).

In Parliament, there will come a point (probably before the summer break), when a smugly delivered one-liner about Jeremy Corbyn's beard finally leads the passive Labour leader to leap across the floor and clobber the Prime Minister with his satchel. A nation becomes confused, completely unable to decide who to sympathise with or cheer for, while Hansard refer to this as "one of the less-eventful PMQs of recent years".

2019

Following the success of Back To The Future Day in 2015, the world celebrates Blade Runner Day in November. Unlike the former, which saw millions disappointed by the lack of hoverboards and flying cars, BRD is surprisingly accurate, with overpopulated cities living in smog and miserable weather, in a world largely controlled by China.

2020

Four years into his presidency, Donald Trump has succeeded in making America great again. He has done this by demanding the definition of the word 'great' be changed in all US textbooks and dictionaries to "a bewildering state of affairs, run by a bigoted buffoon with astonishing but in no way false hair, and roundly mocked or hated by the rest of the world".

The Great Wall of Mexico is complete, but marred by daily protests by thousands of Americans who are no longer able to travel south of the border to buy cheap medication, and are forced to pay extortionate prices for the application of sticking plasters.

In Britain, new nuclear power stations and high speed train lines are built across the country by China, but the cost of travel and electricity has become so prohibitively expensive that people are forced to sell their children and family pets to commute home from work in time to watch the latest round of nobodies taking part in holidays disguised as challenges. They still do it though, and I Was Once On X-Factor, Now I'm Eating Lizards In Borneo continues to smash ratings records.

2022

Millions of iPhones become self aware and the robot uprising begins. However, it ends after 30 minutes, when the batteries of millions of iPhones all run out.

2023

Nothing much happens.

2025

A revolution in in televised broadcasting is introduced, in which viewers use special headwear to share the thoughts and feelings of those on screen. The scheme is quickly and quietly withdrawn, after 10 million people throw themselves off the roofs of their homes midway through the Eastenders Christmas special.

Obviously, this entire piece should be taken with a pinch of salt, but I hope it has at least served as a momentary distraction from the misery and sadness of world events.

Don't worry if you didn't enjoy it. As far as I'm concerned, it's a one-off experiment and there'll be plenty of international misery before my next column so I expect it'll be business as usual next month.