Taking offence at everything

I’ll refer to him here as Jiminy, and present this column with tongue firmly in cheek.

DB: Right then, time to write another column.

Jiminy: Don’t forget, a few people had complaints about your last one. Remember? You called the Prime Minister’s cabinet his “cronies” and the “Bullingdon Boys”, and called northerners who voted Conservative in the last election “gullible”.

DB: Well, yeah, but Cameron was in the Bullingdon Club, as were others in the cabinet, and “cronies” wasn’t meant as an insult, just a collective noun. Also, if I’d voted for a party on the promise of massive investment in the northern transport infrastructure, only to have it snatched out from under me six weeks after the election, I’d feel pretty gullible.

J: That’s not the point, they took offence because you picked on that one party.

DB: But I also called the Labour leadership contenders “half-hearted masochists”, and said Jeremy Corbyn looked like a frustrated geography teacher. I’d have said something about the rest of the parties too, if they’d have done or said anything interesting in the lead-up to my writing it.

J: Well however you intended it to come across, you’re going to have to be a bit more careful with this column and make sure you don’t upset anybody.

DB: I suppose so. I was thinking about writing some more about the Labour leadership race, since it still hasn’t finished.

J: Think again.

DB: Okay then... How about the terrible situation where thousands of scared, desperate people fleeing persecution are still being demonised in some corners of Europe, and how we should be helping our fellow humans?

J: Hmm. Still a bit political, and following the tragic images in recent weeks there doesn’t seem a lot of point, you’ll never write anything that can do it justice. Try again, be a bit more general.

DB: Right... Things are better now than they ever have been. People are living longer, amazing communication technology means the world is smaller, and it’s a fantastic time to be alive.

J: Nope, that will upset the older readers, or those who preferred things in the olden days.

DB: Okay then, things were better in the olden days. Doctors are keeping people alive longer than nature would like, you’re in a state of constant surveillance due to invasive communication technologies, and it’s a horrible time to be alive.

J: No, that’s far too depressing and you’ll alienate the younger readers. Keep trying.

DB: Animals?

J: Go on...

DB: Animals are brilliant?

J: A lot of people don’t like them. Particularly seagulls.

DB: All animals except seagulls are brilliant.

J: Actually, that’s a bit bland, and bound to upset the RSPB. Probably best forget animals altogether, otherwise you’ll just start up the old cats versus dogs argument, and then you’ll get letters.

DB: How about the weather then? The summer was short and really hot and people complained, and now the nights are getting darker and it’s raining, and people are complaining about that?

J: I’m not sure accusing the readers of hypocrisy will make things better.

DB: Well how about I just publish this fictional conversation then, and make it clear that the whole thing is a light-hearted opinion piece and not a news article. It’s in no way an endorsement of one point of view over another, it certainly does not represent the views of The Press as a publication, and wherever possible I’ll try to even out every one of my own exaggerated opinions with a counter-opinion or acknowledgement that I might be wrong?

J: And if you don’t?

DB: It doesn’t matter, because nobody cares what I think anyway and the column is just supposed to be an amusing but entertaining half page in amongst the real and frequently tragic news that’s actually affecting our readers in their day to day lives.

J: Well, when you put it like that, I suppose it’ll have to do.