PEOPLE do think us Brits talk funny. In recent weeks we’ve been running the gamut of American pronunciation and alternatives during our annual sojourn on Cape Cod.

Irritating though it is, after 16 summers we’ve got used to being corrected in stores and restaurants when we ask for tom-ah-toes instead of tom-ay-toes, or baa-sil instead of bay-sil. We’re no longer fazed by blank looks when we talk about chopped coriander instead of cilantro, or aubergine instead of eggplant, nor do we offer up puzzled looks when people talk of fava beans instead of broad beans.

We now step off the sidewalk on to the pavement, instead of stepping off the pavement on to the road, visit addresses on the first floor of a building when it’s physically on the ground floor, are no longer confused by the fact that when you’re driving on Route 28 North, you’re actually travelling south, and if you’re heading to Provincetown on the northern tip of Cape Cod, you can do part of the journey on Route 28 South…

Such are the anomalies of steeping yourself in another country’s foibles and culture. But in the interests of international understanding I think it’s only fair to share something I found on the internet the other day that highlights the true meaning behind some of the phrases we British come out with.

We tend to kick off with an apology. Saying sorry, is after all, a way of introducing ourselves as in “Oops sorry – hello? I’m Abigail Twistleton-Whatsit and I’m really sorry to bother you….”

Telling someone you might join them later, is Brit-speak for saying there’s absolutely no way you’re moving out of the house today unless it’s actually on fire. And back to the "sorry" thing again, because while you apologetically ask someone on a train if there is actually someone sitting next to them as you can’t actually see them unless they’re hiding under your bag or briefcase, what you’re really saying is that they have three seconds to move said bag before you deck them.

How many times when things go wrong do we say ‘not to worry?’ when in reality it’s code speak to show that you’ll never forget this – ever. Similarly you might make a one-word comment of ‘perfect’ when what you really mean is well, that’s ruined then… Or you might say honestly, it doesn’t matter, which is clearly disingenuous because in reality, nothing has ever mattered more than this.

And in the same vein, saying it’s fine, more often than not through gritted teeth, means things couldn’t possible get any worse, but no doubt will do. As they clearly have in the paragraph below…

Saying you’re in a bit of a pickle is a masterly understatement. What you really mean is that you’re hanging off a cliff edge by your finger tips and about to plummet 400 feet to your death, or you’re clinging like a monkey to the very top of a boat mast as it’s being sucked Titantic-like to a watery grave, with not a lifeboat or rescue helicopter in sight.

The world of work is fraught with danger. Adding "with all due respect" into a conversation is office speak for telling someone they have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, and appearing to back off in a discussion with the words "if you say so" means that you think your workmate/boss is talking complete rubbish. And what about the abrupt "thanks" at the end of an email? It’s a sure fire way of letting the recipient know that you’re close to losing your temper.

Asking someone to do something whenever they’ve got a minute means do it right now or else, and if you fall on your sword and tell your boss that honestly, really it was my fault means that actually no, it was theirs and you both damn well know it.

Telling a person that there’s no harm done is code for they’ve well and truly cocked THAT up, and soothingly saying that you’re sure everything will be fine means that no it won’t. Things are bound to get infinitely worse, and it won’t just be a case of sorting out your tom-ah-toes from your tom-ay-toes.

Non-Brits, you have been warned…