The Commonwealth: a tenuous string of countries still harking back to the good old days of the British Empire loosely tied together to bagsy a slice of the Queen for special occasions.

The Commonwealth Games: a multi-million dollar party with streamers, sunlight and more glitter than you can shake a javelin at (although why you'd want to is a different matter).

Watching the medal table becomes a feasible pastime as they drop into the English columns like coins through an arcade slot machine.

Plus you get to hear the best national anthems. Land of Hope and Glory knocks the socks off the dreary God Save Our Queen, and Scotland The Brave provokes an instant smile, though probably more so if you're from north of Hadrian's Wall.

There are no evangelising Americans gatecrashing the fun either, which makes it all the more entertaining.

The BBC coverage is in danger of becoming a highlight in its own right.

It's the little touches like Colin Jackson doing an impression of the Milk Tray man at the opening ceremony. In the dark.

And the swimming commentary straight out of, well, not exactly the closet, but Camptown at the very least.

Referring admiringly to Matt Clay's ample chest hair, which, as we're on the topic, was no Austin Powers but was certainly impressive in the wax worked surroundings, as a 'carpet' left Andy Jameson asking Adrian Moorhouse if he still looked that good in a swimsuit.

This was followed on day three by a spontaneous outburst of "just look at those buttocks" which certainly jerked me awake as the clock chimed midnight. The remarkable response was "you shouldn't have been looking".

Another award-winning statement was the sympathy dished out to the athletes who had flown "half-way around the world" only to end up surrounded with fellow countrymen in adjacent lanes - from New Zealand. If your geography's as bad as theirs, that's about a two-hour flight away.

The swimmers it seems are just as bad. Ross Davenport clambered out of the pool after his 200-metre freestyle gold-winning performance, removed his cap, ruffled his blond hair then started preening his waistband before engaging in breathy flirting with Sharron Davies. Poor Simon Burnett didn't know where to look.

To be fair, it's what we should have expected after a spectacularly lavish (and equally pointless - what on earth was that duck all about?) opening ceremony had the captains of the top 16 Aussie Rules teams pussyfooting over pontoons on the River Yarra.

And that after a Melbourne tram made like a disgruntled carriage from the Hogwarts Express pining to overshadow the lead characters in the latest Harry Potter book as it flew - with wings and authentic electro-sparks from overhead cables - into the MCG.

Commonwealth: for the common good - and shedloads of fun.

Updated: 11:23 Saturday, March 18, 2006