A CRYSTAL ball has come into my possession. It was a bargain from a market stall so it's probably not the real article, but hopefully it should do the job.

Batteries are required, so I'll just insert those. There, it's started to glow and hum a bit, and once it's upright you can no longer see the "Made anywhere but Britain" sticker. With a quick thump and a prod, this crystal ball can be tuned to predict what is going to happen in York over the next year. The picture flickers a lot, so we'd better get going straight away.

Thanks to my new foresight facilitator, I can now share the following confidences about what is going to happen. These are the visions which have been granted to me:

Next year, in York, no one will grumble about anything - ever. Instead, everyone will greet each day with a cheerful heart and a song on their lips, thanking their lucky stars for living in this fine historic city. They will inhale a lungful of fine York air and exhale with gratitude (unless they live in Gillygate when this might not be a good idea).

No one will complain or whinge about cyclists, green bins, parking charges, council tax increases or any story printed by the Evening Press. What's more, all of this newspaper's assorted columns will be greeted with grateful enthusiasm by eager readers.

Motorists will exchange cheery greetings with cyclists and will no longer brush past at speed with their wing mirrors half-an-inch away, park across cycle lanes or assume that the cute bicycle logo painted on to all those green sections at junctions means "please feel free to leave your car here".

As for the city's roads in general, speed humps will be appreciated and revered for their contribution to safety and no one at all will complain in letters to the Evening Press about the condition of their suspension after negotiating these useful impediments.

Over at City of York Council, the ruling Liberal Democrats will be masters of efficiency and good sense and nothing they do will annoy anyone - ever. The contentious, and almost certainly malodorous, issue of green bins will be resolved and everyone will be happy with their new recycling rota and will enthusiastically recycle everything, with no complaint at all.

The council tax will remain the same, transport spokesman Ann Rein will always stop at red lights, while council leader Steve Galloway will finally exchange his tiny Smart car for something more capacious and comfortable, and find that he can now drive without having his elbows sticking out of the open window.

And there is more of this unfettered optimism. The long-running fiasco and farce over the York Barbican Centre will be resolved to everyone's satisfaction, and this hugely wasted and missed local venue will once again be full of swimmers, badminton players, gym-goers and - best of all - a gloriously eclectic welcome-back concert featuring Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Van Morrison, Richard Thompson and, in a nod to populism, Robbie Williams. Within the confines of York Minster, the new Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, will turn against dancing and other overt displays of enjoyment or enthusiasm, saying that he would much prefer to retreat to the dusty old days when no one took much notice of what happened in the church, but everything was stiffly correct and all ecclesiastical rules were obeyed.

Coppergate III will be resolved to widespread satisfaction, and shoppers will rejoice alongside lovers of open space and all those old buildings that do so clutter up the centre of York.

The city's streets will throng with just the right number of visitors and no one will ever impede the progress of residents going about their day.

And... oh, hang on a minute. A message has just popped up on my cheapo crystal ball. "Foresight error! Please ignore all of the advice just given. This should now read: these are all the things that will NOT happen next year."

Oh, well. Never mind and all that. And do have the happiest possible Christmas.

Updated: 09:36 Thursday, December 22, 2005