Come on, lighten up. Let's have a laugh.

'Tis the season to be merry, of good will to all men (and women). So why do we all feel like slaughtering everyone who gets in our way in the crowded streets and shops?

Altogether now: relax. Just stop for a moment, take a few deep breaths and loosen those tense muscles.

If you are reading this on the bus after a hard, sweaty day at the office, take off your shoes and socks, plonk your feet on the lap of the commuter (not the laptop computer, you fool) next to you and ask for a toe massage.

If you are reading it in the pub, shout "drinks all round" in a ventriloquist's voice and enjoy the solitude as everyone stampedes to the bar.

Ask the drunk in the taxi queue to loosen his grip on your throat, move his hands lower and knead those knots in your shoulders. He will if you ask him nicely.

While you've been getting all stressed out with the yuletide preparations, I've been beavering away on your behalf to find ways of lightening your load. This column writing lark is hell, you know.

After weeks of intense research on the internet, I've uncovered millions of jokes. These are the few that are left after filtering out those that are either obscene, sexist, racist, or in pure bad taste. Enjoy:

Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

'Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual!"

Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's our Colin.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself.

A man walked into the doctor's and said: "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor said: "Well don't go there any more."

That's all folks. Have a nice Christmas - and keep smiling.

Updated: 08:33 Tuesday, December 20, 2005