DO you know how to speak Yorkshire? Proper Yorkshire, like, not just adding "'Appen so, veterinary" at the end of every sentence.

The way to find out is if you understand the following entreaty.

"Ey! Dooan't thee thee-tha me! Tha thee-tha's them 'at thee-tha's thee."

Got that? Of course you did. Right, let's try something a little trickier. Listen, and repeat: "'E's as leet-gi'en as a posser-'eead."

And... relax.

These are just two of the fabulous phrases and sayings in broad Tyke collected in Yorkshire Dialect Classics, published this month by The Dalesman at £9.99.

It is the latest work by the master of the lingo, Dr Arnold Kellett, for many years head of modern languages at King James's School, Knaresborough.

It includes verse and stories in dialect, and boasts a fair few handy insults. Try flinging this at the other half next time you have a barney: "Tha's a double-fisted, threpple-throited, gurt gawmless claht-'eeaded wazzock."

Complete with illustrations every bit as colourful as the language, the book's reet champion.

Even the jokes have punchlines in dialect, like this one.

"An old chap had been seriously ill and went to Scarborough to convalesce. He was doing well, but on the last day of his holiday he collapsed and died. At the funeral they were filing past the open coffin to pay their respects. To please the widow, a friend said to her: 'Ee, 'e looks a lovely colour. That week 'i Scarborough must 'a' done 'im good'."

SO the Diary chalks up another journalistic triumph. It was back on November 4 when we first published York funnyman Tommy Cannon's insistence that neither he nor his agent had been contacted by anyone involved with I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here.

Ten days later, rumours that he and partner Bobby Ball were being sent into the Australian undergrowth had reached, if not fever pitch, then mild-flu-symptoms pitch. But again Tommy was not budging. "We have heard nothing," pledged the committed Christian.

And now where is he? Trudging about a TV screen near you, trying to avoid any wet patches near Carol Thatcher.

The moment we heard that Cannon & Ball had been dropped into I'm A Celebrity by helicopter yesterday, we tried to get the view of Tommy's wife, Hazel.

A woman called Julie answered the phone at the Cannon household. After fobbing us off a couple of times, Julie, who is from Tommy's side of the family (the Oldham accent was a bit of a giveaway) admitted that Hazel had just left for Oz...

A MIXED reaction to York's finest on the I'm A Celebrity message board.

"I personally used to enjoy their shows and am looking forward to seeing a bit of banter on the camp because at the moment everything seems a bit flat," commented PCBH Fan Too.

"I too used to love Cannon & Ball years ago. I will give them a chance, but please the Lord don't let Jesus be mentioned at every chance," replied Mrs Ding.

Meanwhile, Mandy asks: "Will they count as one contestant or two?"

The greatest fear must be a mix-up on the return journey, so we end up with Cannon & Dec and Ant & Ball.

Updated: 10:46 Friday, November 25, 2005