BRACE yourselves. From today the drinking never stops. New licensing laws have turned us all into 24-hour party people.

But many are worried this could lead to a dramatic increase in the hurling of insults, fists and vomit.

We put these concerns to the Government. And shortly after the last last orders last night, the Minister For Sustainable Intoxication, Glen Fiddick, issued this statement: "It was a famous grouse. 'Why can't we get a late drink in this country?' people said to me. 'We get dressed up in a burgundy party frock or a woolly bacardi to go out on the shiraz, then the pub door schnapps shut at 11pm, and we have to go home and watch Jeremy Paxman on the tetley.'

"Ring any bells? Of course it does. It was a rum business. The licensing laws were chablis written, fully 90 years ago. Today we are older, budweiser. This Government boldly decided to start afresh. The opening hours were the tip of the carlsberg.

"We wanted to revolutionise the great British night out, and we weren't taking pernod for an answer.

"Tony Blair, his lovely wife, Sherry, and his cabernet were right behind the changes - although Gordon's ideas about nationalising the malt whisky industry were a little old peculiar.

"Today's reforms can be summed up in one word: freedom. Freedom for a johnnie walker on the North York Moors to enjoy a late-night tipple. Freedom for teachers to take a refreshing break away from the blackbordeaux.

"Freedom for those on an old speckled hen night to get out of their martini-weeny little minds.

"There are critics of course. The malibu boys carp that this innovation will increase anti-social behaviour.

"I'll tell you what we don't want. We don't want a drunken brut telling the police to smirnoff, or giving them the bishop's finger.

"We don't want a young lady drinking enough spirits tequila.

"We don't want brandy young men brawling over girls, causing a special brew-haha or going absinthe from work the next day.

"That is why the police must play their port.

"But look on the positive side. From 11pm tonight we will no longer have to go on a wild turkey chase to find a drink.

"So I am asking your readers to support our brave new licensing regime. As the US President George Bushmills once said, you're either for us, or a guinness."

YORK businessman Dave Black, who runs A1 Luxury Limousines, rings with a plea.

Could we make it clear that his namesake who had a reader's letter published grumbling about disabled parking is a completely different Dave Black?

Although it is not easy to find a place to park his stretch limos in York, this Mr B would never dream of taking up a disabled space or six.

WHAT was your nickname at school? Presumably it was George Appleby's fruity surname that led him to be called Pomme in what he described as "the lower stream of life in C forms at Nunthorpe Grammar during the war".

Moreover, George tells the Diary, his mates included Ponk, Mad Acko, Twirly Bingham, Pop Over, Mousey Martin, Harry Horseman and Flaff Peckit.

As for my school nicknames? Don't go there.

Updated: 10:40 Thursday, November 24, 2005