THE sign on the office coffee machine says "Warning: Do not insert hand into vending area whilst machine is dispensing hot drink."

Doh! A plastic cup of drink and all that useful advice for just 20p.

I must stick a sign on the electric kettle at home: "Do not boil water and pour over head." But wait a minute, I could always sue the kettle manufacturer for creating an instrument that boils water too hot.

Like the stupid woman who bought a cup of takeaway coffee from a famous burger chain, then promptly drove off with it between her knees. Surprise, surprise, the first time she braked, the hot liquid went sloshing over her knees and scalded her. But get this - she successfully sued the burger company for selling coffee which was too hot. The company paid up and had to lower the temperature of its 'hot' drinks. I blame the leeching lawyers.

It's comforting, I suppose, to think that the Government cares so much about our safety to the point of mollycoddling.

They've all but banned guns. Imitation guns that can give you a frightful fright will be next. And soon we'll only be able to buy rubber kitchen knives.

But the signs you see to protect innocent people are incredible.

"Do not stand under this barrier when raised" you might see at a car park or level crossing. It stands to reason that what goes up, must come down - even if your silly melon head is under it. And if you stand there long enough you might also get mown down by a crazed motorist desperate to find that elusive parking spot.

Here's a good one: "Do not play in or around, or otherwise occupy this skip."

Now, I understand that homeless people occasionally climb into skips for warmth and nourishment, but these signs warn against playing in them. Who on earth is playing in skips full of rotting food, broken glass, and Lord knows what other stuff people throw away?

Try as he might, Mr Blair will never legislate against stupidity. There's always some fool to disprove that something is foolproof.

Take the woman stopped by police as she drove at 70mph on a motorway. "I wasn't speeding, was I?" she asked. No madam, we've stopped you because of the little boy clinging onto the roof rack. "Oh, that's my son. I always let him do that. He loves it. But I talk to him through the sunroof." It's a true story and if there'd been an accident she could probably have sued someone - anyone - because she wasn't warned of the hazards.

Now where would you put the sign to prevent that lunacy? "Children should not play on the roof of a moving car!" Should it be printed on the roof of every new car or writ large on the packaging of roof racks?

If the Government really wants to crack the problem, it should legislate against stupidity. Shops should be able to put up signs saying "Stupid people stay out."

Manufacturers should put signs on their products saying "Not for sale to idiots." Then they'd be covered.

But then they'd be accused of being stupidist. The Society for the Right to be Stupid would march on Downing Street and picket the factories. And if they poked each other in the eye with their placards they'd sue somebody - anybody.

Ok, so we all make mistakes sometimes and we need some dangers pointing out to us. Not everyone knows that a giant steel structure holding up a spaghetti tangle of power lines is carrying 11,000 volts. And that if they happen to touch those lines with a carbon fibre fishing rod, the least they'll get is an instant, smoking perm. So perhaps we do need a sign saying "Danger - high voltage." But does everyone know what high voltage means?

Trouble with all these warnings is it makes us feel it's not safe to go out. Perhaps we'd be better off staying in bed. But then there's that warning note on the pillow saying: "Danger - risk of suffocation if held over your partner's head for more than three minutes."

Updated: 10:27 Tuesday, October 04, 2005