MEN might be from Mars and women from Venus, but people who write self-help books are definitely from Uranus.

Even tongue-in-cheek advice books, such as Camilla Morton's How To Walk In High Heels, give me the pip. And not just because she thought of this money-spinning idea and I didn't.

I just can't stand someone telling me how to live my life. The authors have 200 pages or so to tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'm just supposed to sit there mutely and take it on the chin. Well, not any more.

Camilla has had her say on all the following dilemmas facing modern women. Now, it's my turn.

How to walk in high heels. Don't. Opt for flip-flops instead. I spend half my life flip-flopping around in one of my growing collection of thongs, as the Aussies insist on calling them even though we keeping begging them not to because of the potentially traumatising 'Peter Stringfellow' associations this word has for us Brits. This week I have been mostly wearing my French purple flip-flops (I'm sure they are called something sexier in France), which are supposed to be lavender-scented but actually smell like tractor inner-tubes.

How to fit everything into your handbag. Don't. What do you think your husband is for? He's not much of an ornament, so let him be of some use. Men have always got more pockets than they know what to do with, and will, I'm sure, be absolutely cockahoop to carry your lippy, mints and tampons for you.

How to use a toilet at a concert. Don't. I mean don't go to a concert of course; going to the loo is not really a matter of choice. The sad fact is that anyone over 25 who goes to a gig immediately feels like the oldest swinger in town. It must be noted, however, that this rule no longer applies when you reach 50. After that, you are the oldest swinger in town, but that somehow makes you quite cool.

How to rebuff unwanted advances. Don't. After a certain age, no advances are unwanted.

How to put up a tent. Don't. Brownies belong in tents; grown women belong in luxury hotels with hot and cold running chardonnay and a mini-bar stuffed to bursting with chunky Kitkats.

How to talk to you tailor. Don't. Buy everything from George at Asda like the rest of us and stop showing off.

How to blow your nose gracefully. Don't. One of the great things about getting older is that you become less embarrassed about your body and its natural functions. If you want to make a noise like a goose being strangled with a hose pipe when you blow your nose, you go ahead. If nothing else, it amuses the kids.

And finally... how to write a self-help book. Don't. Just let someone else do it and then criticise it for your own amusement.

Updated: 11:03 Monday, October 03, 2005