HARD though it may be to imagine when we see blood-curdling stories of mayhem caused by recidivists on the rampage, finally getting their comeuppance before the agents of justice, our courts of law can be a source of humour - though often of the unwitting variety.

One former reporter of North Yorkshire's magistrates' courts recalls an incident when the senior magistrate of the area was sitting and a particularly dopey defendant was in the dock for a motoring offence.

He was eventually acquitted, but on this occasion the lawyers in the case weren't ready to go ahead, and so the case had to be adjourned. The bench chairman called the man in the dock to his feet, and told him in tones of the deepest gravitas that he could not be dealt with that day, and would have to return in a few weeks time - giving him a stern warning about what would happen to him if he didn't turn up at the appointed time.

The man nodded at the chairman's words, looked mildly surprised, then, addressing the chairman directly in his broad Yorkshire accent, said: "Oh, all right then. Thanks Bud." And he marched off, while the chairman turned a deep shade of purple and everyone else in the court stared hard at the papers in front of them - until the chairman exploded, into uncontrolled laughter, joined by everyone else in the room.

Pity, then, the next defendant, a young lad facing a series of motoring offences, who was reduced to a gibbering wreck by having to stand in the dock faced by a whole courtroom, from the ushers to the chairman of the bench, who could barely speak through tears of laughter.

A magistrate tells of a more recent incident, from a more urban part of Yorkshire, when his colleague on the bench was having difficulty persuading a police officer witness to tell the full story behind a nasty incident at a pub.

Not that the officer was trying to conceal evidence, or anything like that. The allegation was that an evidently very strong member of staff at a bar had ejected a very large customer from the premises in a particularly energetic manner - by throwing him out of the building.

The magistrate wanted to know what the staff member said when the police officer interviewed him, but the officer was a little reluctant to recount the actual words the man had used to the customer, because they could be considered offensive.

No, said the magistrate, you must tell us the exact words. So the officer drew in his breath and started to repeat the sentence - just as a more senior police officer, also a rather large gentleman, entered the courtroom.

"Get out of here, you ****ing fat *******, and don't ever ****ing well come back," the first officer said.

"Oh, sorry," said the second officer, and rushed out of the court.

Updated: 08:55 Wednesday, August 10, 2005