ADDICTION is a terrible thing. It doesn't matter what you are addicted to - drink, drugs, sex, dancing dinosaurs - your addiction eventually takes over your life, demolishing your personality and drawing you into a world of lies, deceit and self-obsession.

Hang on a minute - drink, drugs, sex and dancing dinosaurs? You heard me right, my friends, there is a new addiction in town and it goes by the name of Barney.

For those of you sane enough not to have children, let me educate you about the delights of this prehistoric prancing prude. Barney the dinosaur is an exceedingly camp pink T-rex (he says he's purple, but he's as pink as Dale Winton's party pants) who captures the hearts of toddlers and turns parents into mono-browed, drooling Neanderthals intent on slaying any creature that dares to sing Old Macdonald's Farm in a lisping American drawl.

Unfortunately for me, and anyone who happens to be passing through my living room, my two-year-old daughter is chronically addicted to Barney the blummin' dinosaur. If I didn't forcefully intervene, she would happily sit with a Barney video on a constant loop from waking at 6.30am (5.30am if we're really unlucky) to bedtime at 8pm.

Her first words every morning are "milk please, and a bit of Barney on the bideo". (She has a strange speech pattern which means she watches a lot of "bideos" and "BVBs". My mum says it's genetic - I used to read a lot of "bagazines" apparently.)

The little one used to like a bit of variety in her video diet; a morsel of Mopatop's Shop here and a mouthful of Maisy there. But now she just gorges herself on Barney at every opportunity.

I wouldn't mind so much, but he's not one of those fun dinosaurs who roars and rips the heads off any creature who dares to cross his path. He's a simpering bore who skips like a girl and drones on about why you shouldn't let the water run when you brush your teeth and how "broccoli is fun".

The sooner "Barney And The Killer Meteorite" comes out on bideo the better.

FORMER Brookside babe Anna Friel became famous for locking lips lesbian-style on the gritty Liverpudlian soap. Now all I want to do is smack her in the kisser.

She gave birth to her first child, a 7lb 4oz bouncing baby girl called Gracie, last week under the watchful gaze of her long-term partner, actor David Thewlis. But unlike other new mums who barely have enough energy to blink, Anna has already launched herself into a vigorous diet and exercise regime to regain her "bikini bod" for nude scenes in her next film, Goal!.

Shooting starts in October, which means she has less than three months to swap her baby belly for a body beautiful. But is she daunted? Nah.

In a recent interview she said: "I have two months off after the birth to breastfeed and bond with my baby, and then it's over to David."

Anna, Anna, Anna. Poor, deluded Anna. I've no doubt you will be the size of a toothpick by the time the camera starts rolling, but you will have had to brutally torture yourself to do it.

It takes nine months to put on the pounds, so what's wrong with taking nine months to take them off again?

Being a new mother is stressful enough without starving and contorting yourself on a daily basis. My advice, for what it's worth, is to take your time and edge slowly towards your goal rather than hurtling headlong at it.

You don't have to be back in your skinny jeans after six weeks (I'm looking at you now, Posh). Take six, nine or 12 months if you want to - what's the hurry? I'm currently at 27 months and I still can't get the zip up.

Updated: 09:18 Monday, July 18, 2005