META NAME="GENERATOR" CONTENT="Mozilla/4.

newsquest.

co.

uk/RealMedia/ads/click_nx.

cgi/www.

thisisyork.

co.

uk/york/epnews/juliancole1.

html@Top" target="content"><IMG SRC="http://ads.

newsquest.

co.

uk/RealMedia/ads/adstream_nx.

cgi/www.

thisisyork.

co.

uk/york/epnews/juliancole1.

html@Top" HSPACE=3 VSPACE=3 BORDER=0 > <IMG SRC="/york/furniture/images/dot_clear.

gif" HEIGHT=1 WIDTH=10>

Julian Cole

Making sense of political nonsense

Willian Hague has launched his party's latest comeback under the banner of the Common Sense Revolution. Contradiction lurks in this ridiculous slogan, as I'm not sure it's possible to be a revolutionary and have common sense. Somehow the two don't go together.

You worry that the placards might read: "Man the barricades but remember it is always advisable to pack a flask and a meat paste sandwich."

I fret that someone with a commonsensical approach to life would be too busy polishing their lawn to feel bestirred by William Hague's clarion call to the sensible. As that admirable rock singer Ian Dury once wrote: "I could be the catalyst that sparks the revolution". As far as I remember, he didn't add: "But dash it all, I'm perturbed at the possibility of getting mud on my shiny shoes."

When politicians claim to be talking common sense it is a good rule to hang them upside-down and see what falls out of their pockets. For what politicians pretend when using such phrases is that they are speaking for the people and with the people's own words. In fact, they might well be stitching together a headline-grabbing phrase or two with an eye to the headlines on that evening's news.

So let's hang Hague the wrong way up - wouldn't that be nice - and count the political small change as it tinkles to the ground. The first five dotty trinkets we pick up are: parent power; patient power; guaranteed tax cuts; bashing the 'work-shy'; and 'no' to Europe on almost everything.

Of these, the 'can work, must work' clause is standard mean Tory banter (and as such wouldn't sound all that out-of-place in Tony Blair's mouth). The anti-Europe proposals see Hague with his head down and sand up round his ears. The tax cuts are a foolish promise that only a dunderhead would believe, especially as Hague fancies further expensive social policies such as more people in prison and 'sin bins' for recalcitrant pupils.

Patient power is fair enough, though it is hard to see how relying more on the private sector will solve the problems of the NHS.

As to all that populist nonsense about 'freeing up' education, the idea that all schools could be self-governing grammar schools, free to pick and chose pupils, is parent-pandering nonsense. Sure, any parent wishes the best for their child, but many parents must also wish that politicians would stop using their children in politically heated experiments.

It is possible to feel for William Hague, even though he possesses the most annoying voice in politics since his patron saint Lady Thatcher, whose battiness remains as luminescent as ever - especially after her Pinochet speech yesterday. For Hague has to define himself and his party in a way that sets him apart from Tony Blair. This is hard when the middle-ground has become a Blairite vacuum into which almost any idea can be sucked. But it might help if he truly spoke common sense instead of uncommon nonsense.

MODERN fame can be attained for the oddest of reasons. Just imagine, you are flying over the Atlantic when, after indulging a little too much with the free brandy, you feel the unusual compulsion to perform a sexual act on an adjacent stranger. And then you end up in all the newspapers.

This is what is said to have happened when Amanda Holt flew back from Dallas to Manchester. Her alleged companion was David Machin, 40, from West Yorkshire, who is reported to be facing the sack. Mr Machin works, by the way, for a greetings card company, which for some reason strikes me as amusing. I'm sure his colleagues could invent a witty slogan to sum up his awkward predicament. I attempted but decided it was not an advisable exercise.

07/10//99

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.