Free Steve from behind bars

After spending most of 1999 behinds bars serving York drinkers, 23-year-old graduate Steve Roper went to South Africa and got himself banged up just before the new Millennium.

Ashington-born Steve was locked into the same cell in which Nelson Mandela languished for most of his 25 years in jail on Robbin Island just a short boat trip off Capetown.

Steve, who now lives in York and pulls pints behind the bar of the Five Lions in Walmgate, said: "It was eerie to be in Mandela's cell. I felt as though I was intruding on private suffering.

"The cells are small and sparse and each one features a little memento in tribute to its former occupant... a T-shirt, photo, pair of shorts, those kind of things."

Steve says he and his girfriend's 19-day Christmas/New Year visit was absolutely stunning and very hot - "in the 30s every day".

"We saw the Millennium countdown lasered on to the side of Table Mountain. It was magic."

Turpin was amused to learn that diners at a Burns Supper last night in York were served turkey. The traditional dish of haggis, neeps and tatties was also on the menu along with cock-a-leekie soup.

But turkey and all the trimmings were also served to the 170 guests, including the Lord Mayor and Mayoress, at the annual Burns Supper hosted by York's St Andrew Society at the racecourse.

Scots society president Alick Layhe says: "A lot of English people come but might be a little bit hesitant. If they don't like haggis they can have the turkey main course."

But surely there was lots of Burns poetry and singing? Er, not quite, confesses Mr Layhe. A few verses of To A Haggis were recited but no songs this year. "We find English guests don't like too much Burns so we tailor it for a mixed bag."

For tips on the dos and don'ts of hosting your own Burns Supper see Page 19.

My mate who toils in the dark satanic mill of the BT directory inquiries call centre in York has had a few strange calls to deal in his time. Best of the bunch has to be a strange, almost spiritual request from an elderly chap.

Dialling 192, this enigmatic gentleman said: "I'm looking for Paradise in Hebden Bridge." Although, 'Don't be dim son, aren't we all?' sprung to my mate's lips as the obvious reply, it turned out the caller wanted to track down the number of a Chinese restaurant.

FACE-crinklers from the WI WIt & Wisdom book compiled by Pat Smith of Poppleton and the North Yorkshire East Federation Of Women's Institutes...

My auntie told me her puppy had been clean in the house for eight nights and then went and clotted her botty book.

Can a bearded man tell a barefaced lie?

On a visit to my cousin's house, young Richard rushed out to meet us shouting excitedly: "Uncle Keith! I can 'go' standing up!"

The best way to save face is to keep the bottom half shut!

To prevent drawers sticking, rub along the runners with a candle.

My mother lifted the frozen fish pie out of her supermarket trolley and put it back in the freezer cabinet, saying: "I might not like it, so I'm not going to buy one till I've tried it."

I asked my granddaughter why she had her finger stuck up her nostril? "Because there's a burglar in my nose," she replied.

Louise, aged six: "My Mum takes in bread and breakfast."

My sister, crying: "She said I had skin like a peach and peaches are all hairy!"

My young son read out a notice: 'Trespassers will be prostituted'.

On a visit to the National Railway Museum in York, four-year-old Clare became very agitated as she looked into Queen Victoria's railway coach. Pointing at a small, black parasol leaning against a chair, she called: "Daddy, Daddy! Go tell someone the Queen has forgotten her umbrella."

Elderly mother: "Switch the TV to BBC - the weather is better."

"Granny, why are your hands full of pipes and your face is all cracked?"

Copies of WIt & Wisdom (£1.50 or £2 by post) are available from WI House, Front Street, Norby, Thirsk YO7 1BG.

Thanks Pat, but what about a saucy WI calendar? You know, Cheese Sauce January, Curry Sauce February.. get my drift?

The Learning Resource Centre at York College, Tadcaster Road, is hosting a huge art extravaganza until the 28th of this month. According to a press release the exhibition, 'A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings' by Pauline Place, consists of ten paintings measuring 3ft square. Enormous? Size isn't everything, as I am often reassured.

The Washington Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining favours of a sensual nature.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in such as Watergate...

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really

bad vibes, man! And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Inland Revenue, which lasts until you realise it was your cash to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a basic fundament.

Turpin readers can do better.

Using the same rules as above, send your entries to Dick Turpin, Wordplay, Evening Press, 76-86 Walmgate, York YO1 9YN. Closing date: Thursday, January 28. Three free super CDs for the best new word plus definition.

Defining moment

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all

Woody Allen

If you have any comments you would like to make, contact features@ycp.co.uk

22/01/00

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.