Chris Titley

I saw that nice, placid Tony Blair get into a right old strop the other day. It was on a documentary charting the 1,000 wonderful days we have enjoyed since our benevolent leader came to power. The first half of the programme recalled the grim, rain-drenched times before Blair; the rest was devoted to the permanent sunshine that has blessed us since his reign began.

For most of the docu-softsoap, the Prime Minister was in relaxed mode (ie he had taken his jacket off). He manfully fielded tough questions about precisely how brilliant his leadership was and the personal toll of improving the lives of every living creature in his kingdom.

Blushingly, Blair also told of the moment when he learned from lovely wife Cherie that he was to be a father again. "I'm up the spout so you'd better hike child benefit," were not the words used, which is a pity as it would have livened things up a little.

These gentle reminiscences led the viewer to believe that Tony's only wish was to bathe the nation in his benign charm. How wrong could we be! Suddenly, the documentary cut to a scene when Mr B was addressing Labour supporters. One woman had the brass neck to criticise his Government for presiding over a country where social services were being cut to the bone and the minimum wage never went up.

Clearly rattled, the PM rounded on this non-believer. Instead of wasting his breath answering her specific points, he listed all his Government's glorious achievements and told her, basically, to get knotted.

Lovely to see him listening so astutely to people's concerns. You can see where our New Labour council gets it from.

Mr Blair would have responded somewhat differently if the doubting Thomasina had been a Daily Mail leader writer. The opinion of a long-term Labour supporter has roughly the same influence on the PM as a piece of Downing Street gravel trampled under the Blairist march of progress. However, if a Mail leader says jump our Tone asks "how far to the Right?"

The latest and most distressing example is over section 28, the clause that prevents "the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship". New Labour pledged to wipe this stain off our statute books when it took power. But the moment it moved to carry out this promise all sorts of bigoted churchmen - inevitably backed by the Mail - condemned the notion. Teach children that homosexuals are not predatory perverts? In the name of God, no!

Suddenly we heard the familiar sound of Blair and his Cabinet backtracking. Instead of whipping Labour MPs into the lobbies to repeal section 28, as happened over welfare cuts to single mothers, a free vote was mooted.

One of the reasons for removing this offensive clause is to enable teachers to tackle homophobic school bullies. If the Prime Minister is going to help those who suffer because of their sexual orientation, he too must stand up to bullies. The ones found at the Mail and in the Church.

Develop some backbone to go with your fine set of teeth, Mr Blair. Then there is a chance that we might not be pig sick of you after another 1,000 days.

If, heaven help us, the balloon goes up, look on the bright side. We now have a new way to spend our four-minute warning. We can watch an entire boxing match.

Mike Tyson, that loveable ear-biting rapist, felled our fellow five times in four frenzied minutes. The British "challenge" from Julius Francis lasted less than two rounds.

His pride is battered but his bank balance is bulging. For the money he got, I might be tempted to step into the ring with Tyson (being careful to remove my specs first). But when I hit the canvas, I would stay there.

If you have any comments you would like to make, contact Chris Titley directly at chris.titley@ycp.co.uk

02/02/00

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.