IT'S uncool to walk up to the bar of a heaving Ibiza nightspot and say: "A couple of Juan Smiths, mate." You don't need to if you have done a bit of homework before your hols by enrolling on the six-week Spanish In The Pub course run by 32-year-old Alison Hayes in The Golden Fleece, Pavement, York.

The Wednesday night 'classes' start on June 21 from 7.30pm-9pm.

What a convivial way and place to learn those essential holiday phrases to look like Jose Cool when sun-seekers all around you are spluttering out their requests in bars, restaurants and shops.

Alison, a freelance language tutor of York, says: "The course is a fun way to get to grips with basic Spanish and get more out of your hours in the sun.

"This is the third year we have been running the course, which costs only £16, and we have had a good response from all age groups.

"Basic Spanish has helped many holidaymakers whether they are on the Costas or trekking in South America."

Alison assures me that the course is relaxed, informal and fun.

"I don't force my students to stay back after classes (in the pub) unless they want to."

Go easy on the vino, amigos!

SPEAKING of pubs, avid Turpin reader Sylvia Rook of York rang me to ask if I knew who is the longest- serving landlord within York's bar walls?

I was intrigued and with a polite: "Consider Turpin on the job, madam."

I promised to throw the question out to my readers.

Any ideas?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it may by John Harrington of the Five Lions in Walmgate.

uNO sex please, we're from Yorkshire. And what a load of wimps and wimpesses. Before you get your knickers in a twist this is not my opinion.

No, a poll of 1,000 people this week arrived at the amazing conclusion that 49 per cent of Yorkshire women regularly use the excuse of a headache to refuse sex with their male partners.

And, shock-horror-terror, 51 per cent of Yorkshire men also used the headache excuse to avoid hanky panky.

Put them together - and chance would be a fine thing - you have to conclude that Yorkshire is not so much an erogenous zone, more a sex-free one.

If these statistics stress you out here's another headache.

This truly useless, yet amazing, survey finds the strains and tensions of daily life are the primary causes of head-throb plus, (surprise, surprise) drinking too much of the falling down liquid.

Who commissioned this startling survey? Why, Hedex, of course.

Must lie down, I've got a bit of a head...

SINGER Jane MacDonald's image is moulded around her refreshingly down-to-earth nature.

But at the recent York launch of the new Orient Express 'Northern Belle' she proved it's no act. I had ditched Black Bess to slum it on the world's most luxurious loco and found her enchanting company.

Surrounded by a bevvy of TV soap stars from Brookie, Corrie and Emmie (Emmerdale), she declared herself 'starstruck' as the swanky train chugged us down to 'Beaver' Castle near Grantham - that's Belvoir for my posh readers.

In fact, on the coach transfer from Grantham Station, the BBC presenter/chanteuse was in regular mobile contact with family back in Wakefield, excitedly reporting on the star-studded day out.

Her agent, accompanying her on the trip, agreed that she's a breath of fresh air and there are too few celebs who keep their feet on the ground. "Cilla's another one who's managed to do it," he said. He should know, with such lofty names on his books as Barbra Streisand and Harry Connick Jr.

IT'S amazing what computer technicians find in PCs.

Play-do: a user explained he had caught his son feeding plasticine into his PC through the floppy disk drive slot. The machine had been merrily running with the Play-do inside for 18 months.

A severed finger tip: A women said her husband had been installing a graphics card when the monitor (which had been precariously balanced to one side) slipped on to the lid forcing the PC casing to slam closed, severing the tip of the finger.

Chicken wishbone: Placed inside the central processing unit (CPU) by a user anxious to ward off crashes.

A real mouse: A technician discovered the dead rodent and believes it had squirmed into the body of the PC to keep warm. The mouse died from either starvation or electrocution.

Pot-pourri: One user admitted placing a small pile of 'forest scent' pot-pourri inside her PC to make the machine smell nicer.

Love letters: Several love letters were found tucked inside the back of a PC. The red faced customer denied any knowledge of them.

credit card: One dim-wit shoved her credit card into the computer's floppy disk drive for a spot of shopping on line.

Diamond ring and knitting needle: Dropped inside the machine by a user who was cleaning her computer. She used a knitting needle to try and fish the ring out. She lost both!

£125 in notes: Discovered by a baffled computer boffin and delighted customer who claimed he bought the second hand computer from a church fair.

THESE little bits of nonsense I picked off Sainsbury shelves within just a few feet of each other:

'Cheddar With Attitude. A log of cheddar rolled in onions'. The label read: 'Added ingredients: onion.'

'Sainsbury's Economy Cooking Bacon...' well what would you do with it, a spot of grouting?