Divorce and separation are facts of life. To mark National Parents Week, Stephen Lewis talks to two parents about how mediation helped them cope with their marriage break-up

WHEN we make that 'for better, for worse' pledge at the altar, most of us really mean it. But real life, unlike the movies, frequently doesn't have a happy ending. This week sees the launch of Vive - a new, glossy lifestyle magazine targeted especially at divorcees.

Pictured on the front cover of the launch issue is a sexy, fur-clad Vanessa Feltz - one year on from the split with her ex-husband.

The magazine plans to appeal to "the 155,000 couples who will divorce this year". Its launch issue includes financial and legal advice and tips on how to tell the children about a break-up and how to survive your first Christmas alone. But its overall aim, says editor and divorcee Lesley Neil, is to be upbeat. "Divorce is time for a change," she says, "and we intend to approach it in a positive way to show there is life after marriage."

The reality is, though, that divorce or separation can be painful, bitter and financially costly - as anyone who watched the recent Channel 4 series Break Up will know.

Most people just head straight for a solicitor and the divorce courts: but because of the adversarial nature of the courts, that can just make divisions more bitter.

There is another way. Catharine Morris of the York Family Mediation Service says proper mediation can help families to cope with the pain and manage the split as amicably as possible.

It's about getting couples to talk to each other, she says, and to agree among themselves who should have what, where the children will live, and what the visiting rights will be.

"If we can keep going what little communication they still have, it is much better in the long term," she says. "It means they are owning their own lives. The traditional way of doing it is to say we're going to divorce, let's go through solicitors. That just drives people apart."

We spoke to two parents who, with the help of the York family mediation service, have negotiated their way through the trauma of a marriage break-up. Names have been changed to protect identities.

CASE HISTORIES...

Helen, now aged 44, married young. She was 19 when she met John, who was 13 years older and already had a failed marriage behind him.

Helen says that when she was 12 her own parents split, and she ended up in care. "All I wanted was a nice home, children and a family life," she says.

At first things went well. They had their first child, a daughter: but then tragically their second child died. They had two more children: but Helen says neither of them really recovered from the death of their second child.

"It's only recently that I've come to terms with it," she admits. "I don't think my ex ever has."

On the surface they played 'happy families'. John had a good job, and they had a nice home. But they were gradually drawing apart. "There weren't any huge rows, but there was an atmosphere that was not pleasant."

Helen was determined to keep the home going, for the sake of the children. "I thought I was doing the best for them," she says, "but since I've left they say they wish I had done it a long time before. "

It was only when her eldest daughter finished university and persuaded Helen to study for a degree herself that she realised what she had been missing out on in life. "Suddenly I realised there was a whole world out there I had never experienced," she says.

In 1998, after 23 years with her husband, she left the family home. She stayed with Women's Aid in Leeds, then in a hostel in York, and finally rented a one-bed flat.

Helen says she felt 'immensely strong' - but she was also bitter. Her husband's attitude was he had been the breadwinner and the home was his. "He was still sitting pretty in his nice house, with his car and job, and I was living on minimal benefit," Helen says. "My husband was not supporting me at all."

Worse, her children were upset. Her second daughter actually quit university following the break-up.

Then a solicitor recommended mediation. It was a revelation.

"They attempted to point out to my ex that he had everything and I had nothing," Helen says. "And in doing that they pointed it out to me as well."

The result was her husband kept the home, but she got £55,000 with a pledge of another £35,000 in lieu of a pension in ten years. She's just bought her own home, and is now looking for a job.

Best of all, the children, all now over 20, are on good terms with both parents. "Mediation was absolutely vital, both to us and to the children," Helen says. "Otherwise we would have gone through the courts and become really quite angry and hurtful."

DAVID and his wife Sarah had had problems with their marriage before. In 1988 they went to Relate to try to patch things up.

It worked, for a while at least. In 1991, perhaps thinking they could start afresh, they left their home in the south with their three children and moved to York.

The upheaval only made things worse.

Sarah's inability to get a job caused friction: and being so far from friends and family meant they had no-one to turn to. David's stressful job, long days and late hours meant the burden of looking after their three teenage children fell on her. "She felt resentful about that," he says.

Eventually they realised their relationship was going nowhere; and that it was actually destroying their relationship with their children.

"They were at an age they knew things weren't going smoothly," David recalls.

The couple agreed to separate. David moved out, but continued to pay the mortgage and to support his wife and children. Both went to solicitors: but the emotional turmoil made it difficult dealing through a third party.

"A solicitor does not take account of the emotion," David says. "Although we're separated, a significant chunk of my life was spent with my wife, and while there were bad times, there were damned good times too, and we've got three children we're proud of."

Eventually after two and a half years, solicitors suggested they try mediation.

It was a turning point, says David. It enabled them to talk things through without animosity. They agreed to sell the family home, and were able to agree how much Sarah should get and how much maintenance David would pay.

David is now in a new relationship. But because of the children, he still see his ex-wife, and says he still has an emotional attachment for her.

"We both went to my son's graduation, and we both cried buckets," he said.

Contact York Family Mediation Service on 01904 646068. Mediators recommend you come to them first but should still contact a solicitor as well as going through mediation.